ATTN FOLLOWERS; NEW BLOG.

if you want to keep up, please add this blog instead. this blog will be terminated morning of September 20th.

http://truthneversleeps.blogspot.com/

so if you follow this one, follow the new one. or don't it's up to you.

-ejh.

not okay; part two.

flashback;

it's so obvious, and i hate it. it's so goddamn obvious that i'm not okay, and i'm not going to be okay, when i wish i was. something still feels like it's missing. for some reason; the sound of your voice, lacking interest in anything i have to say, it scares me- and even when aware, i call anyways just to hear you say my name, because a part of me feels like i need it. just to hear you, just to hear the change in your voice. it causes some sort of disappointment that so easily changes my mood for the rest of the evening.

i find myself feeling empty, as i hollow myself out with every passing minute.
i find myself aching.
i find myself hurting and crying and only wishing to make you happy.

the happiest, what i wouldn't give.
i'd give you everything if i could, i know i would, but i can't- can i?

i find myself curling up and clenching my fist until my knuckles are white- squinting my eyes and as i hold on to my insides as they try so hard to find their way out. searching for some sort of escape route, but failing and finding nothing. so i keep them tucked inside of me, all of my love and all of my hate, i store it away- save it for the rain.

i feel so foolish, to be this attached.
to still be this attached.

(some of these words might be off, but this song was written by a friend, for me. and it is all i've been listening too lately, this song on repeat.)

"you finally lost sight of what you're fighting for tonight...and you made your step to fill this empty dream in your head, keep breathing to know you're alive...but forget your freedom mind, finding this is hard to believe you can carry on, but you're but you're you're not okay, yes you're not okay, and you're not okay, dreams have come this far...i hope that one day, you'll find out what it's like, through my eyes- like the first sign of spring, this world is never changing, don't be left behind, all your best words will be used against you, but you hide so well, but no one will ever find you and no one will ever know your heart, but you're not okay, and you're not okay, and you're not okay....dreams have come this far....your shaking up just to be heard, but these words are your desires, tell me your place on this world, it will- with given time, but you're not okay, yes you're not okay, and you're not okay....dreams have come this far."

i can't get you out of my head

you feel like home to me.
listen to the wind, i hope you can find me in the trees.

well on my way to freedom

really soon, i'll be able to wake up and say "everything is alright, everything is finally okay." i can't help but wake up and smile, this sense of happiness has dawned down over me, and everything feels like it might be falling into place, finally- for good.

i'm going to be free.
i'm going to be free.

it's 8:42pm

8:42 pm, where has the sun gone?

i look outside hoping to still find the sun trying its damnedest to push all hundred of it's little infinite fingers down from the sky, reaching through the clouds and settling down on my bare well crafted shoulders. hoping to get a few last kisses in, before it went back into hiding just like it does every night, just as the night before this one and so on and so on, and sometimes in this same situation except it's vise versa, saying goodbye to the moon and hello as i watch the sun creep up over the trees, crawling across the calm water.

untouched.

but not tonight, tonight i'm saying goodbye to the sun, and hello to the dark that i find myself, even when afraid of- so abundant with fear, i still- wandering into, more often lately than usual.

i sit on the steps of my deck, and take in my dose of nicotine, it calms my breathing.

everything is now dark and the only thing illuminating me is the light that i can so easily control with a little switch, attached at the top of the wall to my left. i watch millions of wings swarm the light, looking for warmth as the cold sets in for the night, winter is approaching, and even though the days are scorching, the nights are growing cooler, and i like it.

i stand to my feet and open the door, reach in with my right hand and push down on the switch, as if instead of me turning the porch light off, i was turning the star lights on.

i turned around and faced the sky, and watched as thousands of lights became clearer to my eyes. i watched them cover every bit of the dark speckled sky that my eyes could see, they spread so quickly. and i just stood there in complete bewilderment.

tonight i controlled the stars. tonight the stars were mine. and since they are now mine, i want to give them all to you.

i wonder if there are just as many stars there, as there are here?
i wonder where you are, what you are doing, what your beautiful eyes are seeing, what that mind of yours is thinking?

where are you? i almost wish you could come to me.
where are you heart? can you hear me?

i toss them into the unfaltering winds

in heavy hopes that they find their way to you.

lately:

memories, they crash like waves.

the sun will be up soon, and i'll be waking to another day, and just like the last- with the sun- you will fade.

today, i was free.

how far are you willing to go?

to feel?
to fall?
to forget?
to fade?

you tell me that you see everything.

i close my eyes and i try to sleep, i want to sleep so i sleep. i can see you standing over there, i can't see your face, but i know you can feel me approaching, i know you know i'm here. i just have just one question for you, my love. you see everything? do you see me fighting? DO YOU SEE ME FIGHTING? struggling, do you see me living everyday, SURVIVING? just to hold on too every part of the girl i once was? fighting back as this sleep tries to dawn on me when the sun leaves the sky? do you see me watching just as you are? TRUTH NEVER SLEEPS, does it? do you see me loving? you only see what i want you to see. i let you see things, so i can locate you. so i can find you. you fade into this world and you hide so well from me. you bury yourself, you bury the parts of me you still carry everywhere. you can't hide them from everyone, they can all still see it. and i can still pull you out of hiding when i wish. when i need you to resurface. we pull and push and pull and push some more. that's all we ever do. witty words to one another that only we know the meaning of. i try to decipher your happiness with out me, and i draw up so blank. i know what happy looks like, and it's not her. not in your eyes. you can pretend, you can hide, you can be a coward if you wish, but no one will ever love you like i have, no one will ever know you like i do. and i do, i know you all way too well. you can't hide forever, ho my sweet darlin' i'll be seeing you.

and then i woke up, and it was gone again, just like it always is.
these words repeat in my head day in and day out.

what is to become of this, and more importantly what is to become of myself?

not okay.

thank you, really.

hiding here, where it's safe.

i woke with a very distinguished taste.

let these words be my only weapons.

i think of everything i have ever encountered in my life. i sit down and i begin to reevaluate my life as a whole. the things i find appealing to my eyes, my heart, my mind, my hands, my feet, to my head. i let my fingers try and erase the pain from my life and the pain my heart seems to still find a way to endure, but as usual, i fail time and time again. i begin to make things fade. everyday they fade. you fade, then i fade, and we fade together. i lay on the couch with my hands over my breast and i study the beat of my heart pulsing through me. i close my eyes and i study the faces of everyone i have loved, their lips, where i used to rest mine in the middle of the night, rolling over to find you shaking, because i seem to always hog the blanket. their eyes, where i used to lose myself, like a child lost at sea. what a wonderful escape you used to be. i study all of their faces. when only to realize all that i have loved, i have loved alone, and when that all unwinds and untangles, i'm still alone, loving. alone loving everything. for the first time in my life, i'm almost okay with that. i shake at the sound of your name. my hands, my heart, my head. yes, you are the only face i studied tonight.

so close i can taste it.

you're something i'll never be able to grasp.
but you're so close, i can almost taste you.
hold you tight between my arms,
it doesn't mean a thing.

i just want to keep you, still.
show you everything.

and now i know

i
know
what
fighting
for
nothing
feels
like.

oh darlin' i'll be stronger this time around.

i can promise you that.

you are always going to be everything. the most beautiful of anything i have ever seen, and if i can't reach you now, then i'll keep on until i can. nothing is stronger than what i carry so heavy in my heart. i wake up aching to make it fade. i fall asleep each night just to do the same.

i'm trying my damnedest to forget you.

and just when i've got all the kinks worked out, i realize forgetting you, means i too, begin to fade.

oh it's going to feel so good.

i can't wait to say goodbye.

god forbid you speak another word.

this constant running in circles every day from dusk until dawn, i'm so tired. i'm exhausted. dead on my feet and distressed. jaded. constantly. giving up and giving in, it gets easier and easier each time. every - single - tiny - god - forbidden - ruthless - step - i - take. the soil shifting beneath my feet and the wind changing directions every other second. i can feel it kiss my cheeks. i can feel it tangle itself in my hair, i can feel it whistle between my fingers. i can feel it siphon the air right out from between my weary lips, and i'm left gasping. kicking and screaming. sweating like when you've just waken from a bad dream. fall asleep to nothing. rise to nothing. good morning, and repeat. i've got to get out of this routine. someone, save me.

stand on the shoulders of giants.

Let this be the most i have ever disentangled. Up until just recently I realized I was looked at as about as hell bound as any young girl walking in this world, could ever come off as. I was full of fear, and everyone could see it- you could all read it on my face, how i stood still like a robot; hollow. the worry in my joints, in the curling of my toes praying for the sun to fade. you could see it in my fingers, and you could taste it in the hate that dripped thin from between my fingers. i was always way too stubborn and prideful to ever show any of it, even though you could read me like an open book. I was so unaware. I had spent a lot of time up in my own head, and diving into the minds of others for so long, weaving in and out of five o'clock traffic racing down freeways to put up a fight, or hold a friend back from one. I'm that girl that had the right words, wither they be right or wrong, they've always pushed people forward and never set them back. In my early years writing was my everything, my only escape. The only thing I felt I could do right. The only thing i ever really proclaimed to actually know and understand. Against all false pretenses, correct grammar and run on sentences meant nothing to me, comma splices and metaphors were the best of my friends.

I was always going places to feed my head. I was watching you and your friends at that party, or at that show. Watching every single move I could possibly stumble across. I was showing up late, or coming in early with pen in hand, jotting down your every reaction. I was that girl who pulled you aside when you were in tears, screaming at the sun, just to hear your story. I didn't care about you, it was apparent but I tried so hard to hide it. I never cared about what was really going on. I just wanted to run home and document your reaction. I needed real reactions, from real people. Making them up in my head, was something I could not fathom. So I set out everyday to find them, shoving myself into situations I would of never found myself, if I had not of been addicted to the look on someones face when someone died, the way their body collapsed over me and I rocked them in my arms, back to some sort of noticeable sanity. The look on someones face when someone felt and knew love, for both the first and last time. I was always there, when the juice spilled out like blood shed. I was hunting for the look on your face, when your boyfriend cheated on you with her, against all of your knowledge. The words that so quickly spilled from your mouth in rambles not even my pen could keep up with. Pen and paper began to fail me. Time and time again. People began to wonder what I was up too, why I was always scribbling things down. People stopped inviting me places, stopped asking me to tag along. "she's always writing in that damn book." and I was. I eventually put the book down. If i could just remember- take a mental picture, I would be alright. I began studying people again. Everywhere I went. Everyone, and everything I saw. I remembered. Even if it meant putting words on repeat in my head until I could find someway to get it down, out of my head- as i did.

I need to sort out my fears. I need to sort out who I was and who i am. I need all of this to make some sort of sense, to myself and myself alone. I'm tired of the girl I was verse the girl I used to used to be, verses who I am today.

we were all Left To Vanish...

i'm so glad i got to see my PA boys again, four years and counting! D4L!!! that and i'm real sorry these pictures are so late, these are a few weeks old.

out out out out out out

if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them.
if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them.
if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them.

i repeated as i walked out of my mothers room, with her asleep on her side of the bed, i just getting up from my fathers side, we laid in the dark and watched this movie, smoked our cigarettes as i laid head at the opposite end, running my fingers down her caffs to put her asleep as the movie played on. she had been in pain all day, she couldn't sleep, which is how i ended up in her room to start. she dozed off so quickly. i finished the movie. picked up my cigarettes and my pillow, kissed her on the head and left the room, shutting the door so softly not to wake her, behind me. i threw my pillow a cross the living room, and watched it bounce off the couch on to the floor. i switched on the porch light and put a cigarette in my mouth and searched my pockets for my lighter, but i came up short, so i walked down the front steps in a hurry to get to my car, but the second my feet hit the soil i froze. i listened to the wind carry away my thoughts, and i put both arms out to my side. i followed the stone path to the drive way and turned towards the lake to look for what i didn't know i was looking for until that very second. the sky, the horizon. it was dark and pitch black and i could see where it began and ended, i kissed my fingers and threw them up to the stars. thank you stars. i turned back around and continued to my car, still repeating "if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them." over and over again, quietly under my breath, as if i was trying my damnedest to not let anyone hear me, as if there were actually ears out to catch a listen. there was no one. everyone's asleep. i don't sleep. i opened the passenger door of my car and pulled out my phone for light, i scrambled around for a light and again, found nothing. i ripped out my car changer and slid in the car lighter, and punched it in, to feed it fire. i didn't even wait for it to pop out, i pulled it out after about ten seconds and i put it to the end of my addiction, pulling in my much needed nicotine. i shut the door and leaned up against my car, took another drag. found my way back to the porch and i sat in the chair in the corner, the fan blew on my face and pushed my smoke back in my eyes, so i kept them closed. when my cigarette got low, i pulled another and lit it off my cherry. i did this seven times before i got up and went back inside. i'm on the couch now. curled up with my phone next to me, waiting for someone to maybe text me and relieve me of my stress. waiting for someone. anyone, but mostly for you- waiting for you to call, but you don't. you never do. i need you. i laid curled up with my fist clenched over my heart, and i cried. making sure no one could hear me, i cried and cried and i confessed how in my life, i've never been so weak to myself or to others. i need to stop pretending to be so strong. this is survival at it's finest, and that's all it will ever be. i laid there and i told myself, "the truth hurts." one new message. two new messages. three new messages. four, five, six. twelve new messages. i finally wiped my eyes and unclenched my fist long enough to pick up my phone. shaking. i read them all. all of them.

"i'm sorry. i have no excuse. i'm sorry"
"who do you love?"
"erica are you up."
"sigh, erica. i have a reply for this when i'm off."
"you can trust me honestly. i know how it is to not be able to trust anyone. tell me what is going on erica."
" i don't have an answer"
"this blows"
"you are strong enough."
"you find a ride?"
"it's hard to explain"
"where are you?"
"i love you."

i fell asleep there on the couch, for needless to say maybe ten minutes. i woke up and read all of those in order, it baffles me the way my mind works. i put my feet to the floor and my head in my hands, and repeated to myself "everyday is just survival. this is all i have, today, tomorrow, and the days following, this is all it will ever be."

welcome to my world, and oh how it is so never ending, and if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them.

today is yesterday's tomorrow.

"Because there are things upon this earth
we as human beings are not meant to endure,
like being subject to an overall judgmental society.
It makes me sick to know that my life will be
represented by the world we are in now.

Get me out. Just get me out of this world.
This is something that I fear time cannot heal for me.
Everyday it's getting harder to find the energy.
Get me out. Just get me out of this world.
This is something that I fear time cannot heal for me.
Everyday it's getting harder to find the energy."


if you aren't already familiar with the band "it prevails" you should give it a listen. Ian Fike, is such a brilliant man, and this band as an entirety means so much to me.

i finally stopped counting.

(photographs by Kyle Jackson)

bewildered.

it seems i've got more heart than i can even bother admitting too. my mind stretches far greater than these tiny arms ever will. i can't escape this constant circle. these brass-bound walls. i'm a risk not worth taking, a hollow girl with too much to prove. a tiny girl with two clenched fist, a map; mapped out with so much wrong direction. i need something tangible. i need to find my citadel, rather than the solitude i've been sinking in for so long. i need to swim. i am so bewildered. i don't know where i'm going, where i've been, or even where i'll end up, but i'll find my place in this world when i get there.

TRUTH NEVER SLEEPS.

my heart, my citadel.

throwing my hands up towards the sky, searching for the sun, screaming at the world, WHERE IS YOUR HEART? where is your heart? SHOW ME YOUR HEART. don't you come back here, don't you dare come back to this place. my heart, my citadel- and one day when i find a soul that can see, eyes so kind and calm, heart kickin' like a drum, show me some passion, show me your heart, someone- anyone, i plea.

keep on changing, until i'm back to the girl i once was.

knee deep in filth. please go away.

i can't take this constant struggle anymore. they are all screaming at me. as if; screaming at me is their sleazy- way too under paid, low society, sorry excuse of a day job. which can only mean, it's like a song on repeat. the words they scream. pounding my head, i reach for another aspirin. water. aspirin. repeat. they won't stop. not for anything. everyone is making it such a point to try and calm these fist of mine, rather than this heart i try so hard to keep caged away, hidden- so no one can see. it kicks like a snare drum. i can feel the cadence. nothing is visible anymore. everything is translucent. we are all so translucent, clear like glass. we are the water that beads off the leaves in the morning, falling and fading into the soil with the sun. we are all invisible. nothing makes sense. all these things are collaborating and colliding into the biggest circle of mess i have ever witnessed in my entire life. these brass-bound walls are so tall, and here i stand knee deep trying so hard to figure myself out. looking upward at the sun, trying so hard to keep my heart and my head in sync, to keep my head above these rocky waters. i can't enjoy the ocean, if i have to keep fighting off these waves. one after the other. repeat repeat repeat. i don't want to get sucked under anymore. i can not get sucked under anymore. leave me alone, all of you.

there you go again;

walking in and out of my life.

and here i sit, my heart sinking in my chest and pounding like a drum all because of the way you said my name, all because of the way your laugh carried a smile all the way to where i was, as i caught myself trying so hard to wipe it from my face and failing attempt after attempt.

when are you going to give up and just love me?

lately; my life be like:

and i love it.

spiraling downhill

can't stop, won't stop. fuck the weak.

enough becomes more

my love, is always going to be the most beauitful kind of love. i won't, i couldn't ever find it anywhere else, and i don't care enough to try. the crowds, the faces of everyone we know will hate it, and their mouths will sit slack jawed, reeking full of desperation. we will walk with out shame. we have fought through the hardest, pushed past the unthinkable. no one will accept us, but there's no one strong enough to fucking stop us. this world can not keep us apart. no- this world can not keep us apart.

yeah.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

!!!

rabbit hole.

i can feel the light fading, as i inch myself back down into the same hole i spent so many years of my life in. i'm watching the world pass me by from inside of here, and it all looks exactly the same. who are we to say what makes us happy? when in the middle of all that's happening, we simply lose ourselves up in our own heads and we can't find an escape route back out to the sun, or the stars, pending on the time.

i'm rambling for once and that's alright.

i want to be happy.
i want to be happy alive and free.
i don't want anymore weight on my shoulders.
i don't want to carry around all of the bad anymore.
i don't want to see myself up against a wall with my fist clenched trying,
struggling to find a reason to open them, ever so softly.

i fail and i find nothing, so i keep them closed-
just like yesterday and all the days before then,
and it'll be the same tomorrow, and the following.

i'm solitaire
and stuck
and confused
and i feel so god damn hopeless.
lost.
fucking hopeless.
walking, not even running,
but walking in circles.

i want out of this rabbit hole.
i want to feel the sun light.
i want to watch the world spin,
standing on my feet.

i need to keep my head up.
i need to be free.

DAY 383

still counting.
still holding on.
can't let go.
heart still beating.
we keep moving.

i can't fathom the day that this is no more.
i can't think hard enough about what lies ahead.
will i ever be just enough?

"will my love ever be enough?"
"yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes."

i guess i'll just keep on until i reach the sea.

because they touch my heart.

my sunflowers this year, are so big.

and when you look up at that painted sky

will you please remember my heart, rather than my eyes?

you can take my money, and take my keys, but please if you will- leave my voice and my heart with me.

they're coming at me from all directions.
and then i'm surrounded.

so surrounded, a critical invasion from all sides.

north.
south.
east.
west.

they're everywhere.

slingin' pretty words my way, trying to win these blue eyes in their direction.

you can stop this sorry attempt.
it's going to get you nowhere,
nothing but you traveling down a dead end road ending in a sweet redemption of failure,
not lacking a second of disappointment.

everyone is out to get to me.
everyone wants to see what i see,
everyone wants to be in sight.
everyone wants to feel what i feel,
but darlin' i slur a plea, i tell you-
i can't open up a door that's been locked for well over a year now.

this heart belongs to someone other than myself.

you won't get through.
you won't get in.

and trying to tear down the walls i've built around myself,
will only result in a very foolish act upon your appearance,

save your breath and save your time.
i'm worthless to this world.

everything i have to give-
belongs to someone else.
you are wasting everything you're carrying in your hands, to give to me.
don't waste whatever it is you have, on me.
please.

i can't watch anymore fall as i walk away.

i'm solitaire.
i'm stuck, i can not express to you my love.
and that's exactly what i want.

i don't need anything else, ever.
this is me, forever.

day 378;

keep moving.

truth never sleeps.

you think prayer will set you free from the monstrous things you have committed, the indistinguishable, impassable things you have done? i still don't sleep. i still can't bring myself to close my eyes and be at ease. i've become one with the sun, because that's when the world can see me. with the moon rising in the sky, i begin to hide again, i begin to hollow myself out, because it's when the sun is gone, that i am scared. it's when the sun is gone, that i shake. it's when the sun is gone that i scream, and still no one will ever hear a sound, because i am strong enough. i don't have to kick and scream to save myself, a little bit longer and the ones i see, will never see me. you will wake up and i will be gone. i will be so far gone. i will not leave a trace, i will not let you in. i will not let any of you people find me. i will become invisible to all that i know, and i will build this world over again inside my head, i will find some stiff soil and i will engage in the renovation of my new world. i will find my own foundation. i will be free. i will decipher every word i have ever written and i will pick out the sweet parts and i will then write, the greatest story of my life. i will find it within myself to pull myself up out of the mess i'm surrounded in, i will not stay down in this rabbit hole, just to save your life. when they wake and they find nothing, all fingers will be pointing at you, you can tell them why i am gone, and you can make them comprehend why i am never coming back to this place. you are at my mercy, you're life belongs to me, and myself alone.

i will always be stronger than you, i will always be better off than you are, you will never be blessed with salvation because you can not save yourself.

do not question why i am who i am, what is wrong with my head, when you already know the answers that i will try so hard to articulate off of my lips.

the truth never sleeps, and once you've been bite by an animal, you will never reach out for that animal again.

makes me take a really deep breath.

three hundred and seventy seven days.
fucking three hundred and seventy seven days.
three hundred and seventy seven god damn tally marks.

i confess;

i find it hard to face the wind and slur words that both you and i know would be as false as ice surviving a second in hell.

i find it hard to walk out that fucking door and not look at this world as if it weren't built for the two of us, when i know damn well, it was.

this is our soil.

this is where we fell in love.

i find it hard to walk around not knowing where you are, who you're with and what's running both so subtle and so urgently behind those hand crafted deceiving green eyes you carry.

i find it so hard not to count the days i wished i didn't love you, rather than count the ones i've spent knowing i do, i love you.

i could add the two sums together and the number still to this day, never shocks me more.

i could mark another tally, i couldn't draw another line, but those tallys and those lines will never be the total outcome or the map to not loving you.

being the girl who doesn't love you, baffles me.
i will never be her.
she will never come here, and when she leaves, she leaves, but she's not me, so i stay.

i can't see you, and i can't be with you, but i'd rather be parallel to hell before i confess that i don't love you, before i confess that from over here, i can't love you. because i do. and i do, everyday that passes.

and i can't decide how ignorant that really makes me, and i couldn't bother to actually care.
i don't know what any of these statements will matter, or what will be the resolution of all these not so hollow words, but i want you to know, that i love you.

still, after everything we have pushed our way through rather than around, i love you.
i find myself thinking what if i didn't?
what if i could love another the way i love you?
would i be half as happy?
even knowing you're not mine, and still knowing i will never truly ever, be anothers.
is this me sinking?
is this me swimming?
treading water?
not able to move on with another second of my life, because i try so hard everyday to pretend, to hide it.
to hide how much i do actually care.

how much i wonder.
when i wander to our tree and climb to the top and look down onto a world, and some water that we claimed as ours, here as we summited to the top and laughed at all the leaves.

and i watched as you so innocently picked me a flower from one of the branches near, and i smirked at you.

i despise flowers more than i am willing to express, they make you smile and then they die, worthless acts of kindness.

but- but i kept it, and i pulled it to my nose and i breathed in, and the sweet smell of jasmine engulfed me, and you reached for me, and took my hand, and you locked us with the key.

everything was quiet, only the wind.

i heard it whistle and we watched as it climbed around the ground and sung to me.
i watched the wind, i watched as you sung to me.

always waiting, always loving, never forgetting, never breaking.
memories they are so bittersweet.

caged up like a bird.

fighting to take flight, i'm going to get out of here, and you can watch the dust from my words fade and gather with the wind.

look at you in the rear view, won't get no goodbye from me.
oh how you think you hide it so well, i know everything.

you. disgust. me.

andes ydal <<<

lady sedna, returns.

the return to the water.

the sun came down to me today. i want to be wrapped around in warm waters, submerged with my eyes looking towards the surface. somewhere balanced between the mucky soil and the air we breathe, swims a girl. with her arms stretched out to her side, fingers relaxed, and limp, not trying. dragging her feet as if she were walking. hair alive like the creatures on the reef. i watched the current push it around. i watched as she swam in place. i watched as she began to tread water. this is hello. this is goodbye. i'm scared. i'm treading water.

oh sweet summer.

i can feel it in the current.

c o m e_b a c k_t o_m e.

i can't decipher the difference anymore.

"am i hiding, or am i just hollow?"
"neither, everyday is just survival."

i have to find a way out of this place, i'm standing in the wet grass, barefoot. arms up, screaming at the sky. is love, really capable of setting you free?

i souled my sole to the red

d e v i l

but he won't take me anymore.

they say everyone has an angel.

(that's if there ever were such a thing.) and if there is, then it feels so good to know who mine is. everyone please say hello, to Jeffrey Hoover. i can honestly say there is not a soul on this planet who has (genuinely) even with out the knowlegdge of knowing so, done as much for me, as he has. i am so grateful and appreciative to know such an amazing person, with a beauitful mind and such a kind heart.

tonight someone told me something

that made alot click.

i'm on the pursuit of my own map, my own happiness. everything and everyone has the ability to heal, with the right words and the right people. my walls will soon be so useless. this is going to be one hell of a ride, so sit tight.

anticipating chaos, and causing a fuckin' ruckus.

swimming in circles, with the sharks, so parallel to hell.

despite what you believe

gone.

when will this world make sense to me?

when can i climb out of this rabbit hole?
when will i be enough?
when will my lifestyle be acceptable?
when will the world stop screaming for me to change?
when will you love me?
when will you let me love you?

i have got to find a way to escape this place.
this world.
so tolerable, and so tolerated, so overrated, and so under paid.
indistinguishable.
indistinguishable mess, i am.

i have got to get away from here, but the water keeps pulling me closer.
under.
under.
under.

i can't breathe.

fish out the water.

summer has finally arrived.

i love you. receive me, oh how i have denied this world in your name.

i was on my way home.
i was going slower than usual.
i didn't want to miss this, most people speed up when they are trying to catch something, but for this, the complete opposite, i needed to slow e v e r y t h i n g down.
i couldn't let it pass with out knowing i was right.
i watched as the wind climbed up the trees, rustling and weaving in and out of every shade of green, every leaf.
i watched at they spoke to me.
i pulled my car over, and it muffled as i put it in park, i stepped out onto the cold ground, radio still on.
i stepped out onto soil that would soon be engulfed and flooded by waters falling down from the endless sky.
i wanted to wait for them, kisses from the unknown falling all down my shoulders.
kisses from the sky, running down my bare legs.
saturating me.
i had to wait.
i had to wait for it, i've spent my whole life sinking.
my hair is short now, but the sky never thought twice about picking it up and pushing it in my face, and i pushed it away again.
i watched the dirt form tiny clouds and the breath of the earth push it, wrapping it around my ankles, and then disappearing back into the nonexistence.
i watched the clouds of dirt and lies and filth gather, and then i watched everything bad escape me and then vanish right before my eyes, like waves swallowing all my tiny secrets.
i looked away to the west, to where you are, and then back again, all the dirt had left me.
i peered down into the palms of my hands and they felt so clean.
i could feel it on the back of my neck, like i could feel your warm breath the first time i clung to you.
i felt bewilderment dawn a cross my face, like it did when i first saw you.
i could taste it on my lips, like i could when you last kissed me, underneath that dark star spangled summer sky.
the waves- reflecting the lights, like a million tiny fire flies.
we rested our feet at the top of the world, it seemed, and both of us denied you, we didn't want to need anyone else, beside each other.
i was surely sinking.
i could feel it on the back of my neck, i turned and threw both arms out as far as they could stretch, sending my fingers to escape, failing to find nothing but tiny droplets falling from the sky.
i looked to the sun, and the sun was fading.
i looked to the other side for assorted colours shooting out somewhere from the clouds down to the ground, but i found nothing.
i looked up again and i realized that this is it.
you were right, and i laughed as the sweet sweet carolina rained down, as it poured down on me so lightly and so heavy all at the same time.
everything and then nothing and then everything again.
it all started to make sense now.
even though i probably shouldn't have, i began to spin. laughing at my sense of freedom, laughing for anyone maybe watching from a distance.
i was in my own little world, a place no other has ever been, and for the first time in my entire life, i was standing in solitude, sinking and somehow as far from alone as i could imagine.
still in the middle of the bridge, three streets down from my house, spinning.
covered in water and feeling as free as i could possibly feel.
i could smell it approaching the minute i stepped into the sun early this morning, as i took in my suggestive serving of nicotine and curled up on my porch with my cold coffee.
sweet on my tongue.
i took a deep breathe before going back into the dark to climb back into my bed, my sanctuary.
i could smell it.
i had waited all day for it to come, looking for it every time my skin felt the sun, i waited for it.
i waited for you, and you came.
i asked for answers and you gave them to me with no excuses. this is me screaming for you.
in agony.
this is me singing for you.
so quietly.
receive me, oh how i have denied this world in your name, omnipotent one, hear these sweet little whispers.
today, i sung for you and you alone.
today, i was not hiding.
today, i was not hollow.
today, i was finally free,
and now because of today, i can finally love you.
i've spent so many years of my life running from the idea of your reality.
sinking, when i know i'm strong enough to swim.
treading water when, i know i could go for miles, with you inside my heart.
and now i can love you with all of me, with every single fiber, hoping but not asking, for you to just love me too.

if you weren't so focused on staying cold

i'd try reminding you what the sun felt like.

hearing your voice

hearing your quiet voice, repeat me your name, "erica this is a***" and follow through with such a sincere apology, reminded me that even though we all go through so much bullshit here in this goddamn world, even though you and i, as much as we hate to admit it, are so much alike, i don't think anyone in this universe could second guess my feelings, what i'm going through, why i am how i am, what is in my fucking head, like you could the very first try. i know we will never be as close as we were, and i'm sorry. i really am. i'm so so so sorry for everything, and i know you know i am. i know you don't think of me the highest, or even close to that, and not that i expect you too, but you know you can always call, and i will always answer. i told you that night in charleston i would always be here, and again when you called me crying telling me to stay strong and i had no idea what you were even talking about, but you can hear the worry in my voice just like last night, when i was so scared and i just cried to you. you know what i feel, you know what it feels like. why do i keep pushing you away? why do i always hurt those who help me the most? even though i get angry and i say stupid pointless hurtful things, because i lose my head and have nowhere else to turn, blaming myself and myself alone. i still thank you for reminding me that i am strong. a strong, horrible, rude, ruthless person, who allows herself to get hurt repeatably. it won't happen again. it can't. never again. i have got to change, no more monsters in my life. i thank you everyday. thank you, thank you, thank you. i know you'll never repeat it back again, but i do, i love you. you are an angel, if i ever believed in such a thing.

just when i thought i had enough.

even when i think i have swam long enough
in these crispy crispy cold waters.
oh carolina,
i find myself reaching,
longing to swim in the seven seas.
i find myself resurfacing after minutes of being head under,
breathing,
aching,
arms stretched out to the top, fingers escaping, screaming for the sun.
coming back up for more.

i feel like every other day,
you fade,
you're trying so hard to hide the heart i know you have,
i can see you.

you are not translucent to me,
not to my eyes,
my mind,
nothing.
i see you.

and somehow the night before the next
i will always find a way to pull you back to me.
really slow, and then really fast.
i told you i wasn't going anywhere,
and i know you believe me now.

you believe in me now.

your eyes, and your smile,
and how to made me feel when you just simply,
held my hand.
when you dragged your fingers a cross my stomach.
or stole a kiss on the cheek.
how we couldn't stop laughing at each other.
how i can't recall a memory where i've ever felt so safe, and so free.

this surpasses the memories when i felt like i was standing on top of the world.
Caesars head, summer of 08, i remember how free i felt.

no comparison.

i need you to be alright.
it's a given, and i'm sorry if that scares you.

but i wasn't made solider strong like i am, to lie to this world and all it's people.
i am who i am, because i'm not afraid to tell people these things,
in chance that they might just walk away in fear.

i'm not afraid of people leaving, i've watched it my whole life.
they walk and walk and walk, and i'm always alright.
i'll always be alright, never okay, but alright.
every time i open my mouth.
i take a risk, the risk of another person, walking in and out of my life.
and then in and out and in and out for good. gone.
and it's a risk, a chance i am willing to take, everyday.

because i can't keep things like this in my head,
i have to choke them out and consolidate the thoughts into one.
until then, i feel sick, and cluttered.

i don't feel sick anymore.
i don't want you to walk away.

sweet like honey sharp like wine.

keep trying, keep falling, keep failing.

never will you stand on my level, on this soil. never will any of you see what i see. never will any of you understand the ground under my feet, walk with out sinking, as i do. every step i take, i'm just getting closer. "you're getting colder" and "you're getting warmer" you keep repeating. fuck you. "i know where i'm going, you don't even know what i'm looking for, you sassy bastards don't even know what i'm searching for." "erica where is your happiness, where has it all gone?" "what are you even talking about?" "you're so well at hiding, but i can see you." "i know. i let you see me." "i don't understand, all this anger, all this hate" "i know...that's how it has to be" "no it's not." "YES IT IS! IT IS, CAN'T YOU SEE, DON'T YOU SEE IT? DON'T YOU FUCKING SEE IT? MY FIST ARE CLENCHED, THEY ARE RED AND THEY ARE CLENCHED SO TIGHT, AND I CAN'T OPEN THEM, I CAN'T FUCKING OPEN THEM. I CAN'T LET IT GO. I CAN'T. I CAN'T I CAN'T. I CAN'T BREATHE. I HATE EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. POUR A GLASS AND DRINK IT DOWN. THIS WORLD FUCKING DISGUST ME. i was born this way and i'll die this way, you won't figure it out, none of you ever will, because right before you surface and have a slight slight clue, it shifts, and right when you think you've figured out "enough", enough grows, invisible, clever trick, blend in, get out. free yourself. SURVIVAL at its finest. fuck off, you are sick. you need help, peace easy, ciao, goodbye sweet sweet carolina."

it's days like these

when i forget who i am becoming.

and somehow, some way, it doesn't even phase me.
not the least bit.

no mask, bring on the sun.
count the freckles, as they arrive.

i don't know who you are.
where is the freedom here?
what are we all searching for, for so long?
where has it all gone?
there is no love here.
these streets are filthy and disgusting.
they make me fucking sick.
i don't know who i am.
i don't know who i am becoming.
where am i?
don't you ever come back to me.
i will never love you again.

another sweet, summer day.

in my favourite dress.

and to think

that one day, i will return to the sea.
under the water where nothing can hurt me.
surrounded, where i can breathe.


i'm getting out of here.
i will be free.

you goddamn indian giver.

comebacktome.
no need to be so cold, the suns out, take it in, soak it up.

time is inevitable.

and still i wear it over my heart. hanging down from my neck. there's a story behind this pocket watch, my grandfather gave it to me, it was made in geneva. it doesn't tick anymore, but it still keeps up with time. it reminds me day in and day out, that we are all just borrowed time, as i have stated before, it's not going to slow down, but it sometimes speeds up, it goes backwards, up and down and forwards, (always at the same speed, never slowing down for anything.) and there's absolutely nothing we can do to control it. we're slightly useless when it comes to defeating the wait, but all i know and all i have ever known is, that time is worth it. my watch still reads the same the last time you picked it up from my chest and held it tight in your hands, and it'll read the same, the next time your fingers find their way to the gold i wear around my neck. wearing a watch that doesn't tick, is the only way around time, it's the only way that makes any sense. i don't lose time, and time doesn't lose me. it's always the same. i don't know if this makes sense to anyone but myself, and even if that's the case, i don't care. it makes sense to me, and that's what matters.

today is all we have.

today felt good.

"what the hells gotten into you erica."

and a slight reminder

to any one eye that is searching, exploring, weaving in and out of my daily thoughts. (these words) if you are reading, who ever you may be, and just by chance that you do not know now or already, under all false pretenses and assumptions towards me, of what you or others may already assume, please remember, and know that i always win.

i will always find a way.

it's 4:50 pm

and i've realized there is nothing in this world, worth more to me. there is nothing in this god damn world that will stop me. embrace my happiness and just learn to let it go.

i feel like this world, and all the people around me just want to slow me down, stall me, get in my way. hate, you can stay away from me. i do not long for you anymore, i just want to the sun on my face and the breeze pushing past my lips. submerged in the warm waters. i want the wind wrapped around me.

so they can stuff their mouths full of desperation.

living here, in this town, in this house, on this water. lets me realize that while i am here, i am all i need. no mask today, no mask tomorrow. i'll let the sun beat down on my face and i'll soak it all in and i'll smile. i'll shine, because this was the day that i realized who i was again. who i was and what i am composed of. what i carry on my back, in and my heart, it weighs down on me so much, but it never gets too heavy, because i'm always going to be strong enough. one day i will leave this place and i'll go on to be the best my mother ever saw. not that i live to make anyone proud, but living to prove myself. to prove that i can do this, live my life, wall-less and hopeful for tomorrow, another day- another dollar in my pocket, in my suit case. everyday another mark on my list. another day of survival in a world of wild animals feasting on everything that moves. we're all mannequins here. everyone surrounding me is invisible. walking around like hungry cattle waiting for the day i fall to my knees and crack, so they can stuff their mouths full of desperation, nutrition, choking down every ounce of hate my body sustains. but i don't crack, i don't fall and i won't and you hate it. you all wait to watch me fall, but i never do. and when i do, no one is watching because the seats are all paid up, the sun is gone, you're all asleep and there's a long line outside, and the morning comes,and i stand there in the sun for hours with this look on my face, and you sorry people wait for me to break. to blink an eye in your direction. i will not. i can not. i won't. i don't need anyone else, besides the people i already have. i don't need anymore hate pumping quickly through my veins, bursting at the seems with every swing i take. day three hundred and ten, all heart, day two, mask-less. yes, i am finally free.

and so

i stay.
i'm done hiding.

interpret beauty how ever you wish, but never shall you measure me.
it's such a fucked up world out there.

i'm going to be alright.

lately.

my life circles around lines.
ever day another mark in my book.
another line waiting to make a group of five.

tally mark after tally mark.
three hundred and six of them.
all lined up, perfectly.

three hundred and six tally marks.
and everyone standing for a different reason.

i am surviving.

i can feel it on my skin.

when the sun came out this morning, i did not have to hide. the light coming in the window did not seem to hollow me out like it's done every other morning of my life. it did not burn. i did not close my eyes. i did not let myself rebuild my thin wall, protecting me from this fucked up, so-called, sorry excuse of a shitty world. i sat up and pulled the blankets down over my head, with my hands on my knees clenching it tightly so it won't leave me. i slowed my breathing and when i opened my eyes, i could still feel you. you did not fade this time. i softly said to myself "here goes nothing" and i pushed it off of me. my arms flung open stretched out like i was to be nailed on a cross in shame, (and oh what a sorry god you've got) i slid my feet down to the floor and instead of reaching for my cigarettes, i stumbled around my sea of clothes for my keys. i stood up and looked at the calendar. to my car to add another tally. to my book to mark another day, another day that i have survived, another day that i am breathing, still for only one reason, one hope, the little bit of faith i deny having, but know i do, the tiny spring of faith inside my hands, my eyes, my heart, in everything i do, is for you, still.

fuck you, sunlight.

for waking me up. i had a dream that i can't quite recall at all, and that's so unusual for me, normally they are clear and repetitive. i woke up this morning, with nothing but these few sentences, other than that, my mind drew up blank. and i hate it more than anything. it'll come back to me eventually, they always do, but i want to know now.

"i finally found you, no. you found me."

"i need you to hate me, so i can still find a way to love you, or feel something towards you at least so i can stay alive, IT'S CALLED SURVIVAL, i'm only doing what i have to, to make it to the next day, don't you get it? don't you fucking get it? hate me, so i can save myself."

"overcome. overcome. overcome. you're strong enough."

goddamn you.

i'm worried.

the world will never hear me scream again, because i am stronger now. i am worried that the world will never see what i see, the way i see it. i am a really little girl, with a voice bigger and louder than most would or could ever expect. i have so much to say. so much to do. so much ground to cover. so many people count on me to stay put together so well, as i do. so many people look up to me, for many unknown, undiscovered reasons. maybe it's my sense of freedom? how i can blend or stand out so well when times are convenient? my notion to become invisible in a world where nothing gets past anyone. where nothing is left untouched. i lay on my floor and i prance my fingers around, as if they were little men marching, and i line them all up and then i flick them all over. i am on top of the world.

sometimes, i can be too much.

i wake up and i'm shaking, but not in a scared sense, but it's more uncontrollable than i would of ever imagined. i want to feel you crawling up the back of my neck, loving me. crawling up the back of my neck like my fingers do when i ache for you. i want to ache for you. i close my eyes and you are close, i open them and you fail to fade and i like it. goddammit you're so close i can almost taste you. my head seems scattered and i can't sleep, i haven't even bothered trying to sleep but i know i'll just lay there wide-eyed for hours wishing i was where ever it is you are, wishing i was there for every second of every minute passing for a handful of hours until i give up and climb back to the couch, and set fire to another cigarette, and suck the death right out of it, pushing it down my esophagus and through my lungs and then back out again, repeating until there's nothing left but a collection of filters, taking away my stress one at a fucking time. i can not do this. please come home. being here scares me. i need to be free. i feel like painting but my body is tired. when i get this way, i paint, but i can't. i feel like sleeping but my eyes won't sleep. i feel like waking but it seems i'm already awake. i feel like living and yes, fucking, I AM STILL ALIVE. i don't want this to fade, i don't want you to ever fade. i don't want to become the only person i have ever known. i don't want to be afraid. i don't want to be like her. i want to be the way i am when you enter my head and lose yourself on your way out. you never leave my head. you're always here. i just want to feel this way, everyday for the rest of my life, finally for the first time since my grandfathers death, i am so relaxed, so infinite and so safe. and you can ask yourself the same question i repeat in my head all day long, day in and day out, do you? do you fucking save me? just answer me this, just this one question, are you, are you going to love me?

this morning.

you've some how found a way to make me shine, in a world when all i've ever known are the many grey parts, you've put that feeling back in my veins, pumping and recycling everything but hate back through my heart, in and out of my head. leaking out the tips of my fingers. i want to pull them down your face, a cross your bare cold chest. i long to keep you warm. i want you next to me, and around me, i want to be wrapped up in only you. like i am when i close my eyes, or when i sleep a few hours out of the night. because since the day before you left, you're all i know, all i want to know, all i want to ever know. you're in everything i do, and everything i see, every word i so silently speak. i breathe for you, everything is how it's supposed to be, falling so well into place as planned. i can not begin to fathom, you are the epitome, the root of all of my happiness. i don't ever want another. you've managed to keep me unafraid and safe, inside my head and inside my heart. i am no longer afraid of anything, infinite. you make me feel like i could save this world from deceit, from all the lies and all the bad, you make me feel as if maybe just maybe i could make it all go away, as you do me. you make everything fade. you are so wonderful, so fucking wonderful, don't you ever leave me. i need you.