not okay; part two.

flashback;

it's so obvious, and i hate it. it's so goddamn obvious that i'm not okay, and i'm not going to be okay, when i wish i was. something still feels like it's missing. for some reason; the sound of your voice, lacking interest in anything i have to say, it scares me- and even when aware, i call anyways just to hear you say my name, because a part of me feels like i need it. just to hear you, just to hear the change in your voice. it causes some sort of disappointment that so easily changes my mood for the rest of the evening.

i find myself feeling empty, as i hollow myself out with every passing minute.
i find myself aching.
i find myself hurting and crying and only wishing to make you happy.

the happiest, what i wouldn't give.
i'd give you everything if i could, i know i would, but i can't- can i?

i find myself curling up and clenching my fist until my knuckles are white- squinting my eyes and as i hold on to my insides as they try so hard to find their way out. searching for some sort of escape route, but failing and finding nothing. so i keep them tucked inside of me, all of my love and all of my hate, i store it away- save it for the rain.

i feel so foolish, to be this attached.
to still be this attached.

(some of these words might be off, but this song was written by a friend, for me. and it is all i've been listening too lately, this song on repeat.)

"you finally lost sight of what you're fighting for tonight...and you made your step to fill this empty dream in your head, keep breathing to know you're alive...but forget your freedom mind, finding this is hard to believe you can carry on, but you're but you're you're not okay, yes you're not okay, and you're not okay, dreams have come this far...i hope that one day, you'll find out what it's like, through my eyes- like the first sign of spring, this world is never changing, don't be left behind, all your best words will be used against you, but you hide so well, but no one will ever find you and no one will ever know your heart, but you're not okay, and you're not okay, and you're not okay....dreams have come this far....your shaking up just to be heard, but these words are your desires, tell me your place on this world, it will- with given time, but you're not okay, yes you're not okay, and you're not okay....dreams have come this far."