and a slight reminder

to any one eye that is searching, exploring, weaving in and out of my daily thoughts. (these words) if you are reading, who ever you may be, and just by chance that you do not know now or already, under all false pretenses and assumptions towards me, of what you or others may already assume, please remember, and know that i always win.

i will always find a way.

it's 4:50 pm

and i've realized there is nothing in this world, worth more to me. there is nothing in this god damn world that will stop me. embrace my happiness and just learn to let it go.

i feel like this world, and all the people around me just want to slow me down, stall me, get in my way. hate, you can stay away from me. i do not long for you anymore, i just want to the sun on my face and the breeze pushing past my lips. submerged in the warm waters. i want the wind wrapped around me.

so they can stuff their mouths full of desperation.

living here, in this town, in this house, on this water. lets me realize that while i am here, i am all i need. no mask today, no mask tomorrow. i'll let the sun beat down on my face and i'll soak it all in and i'll smile. i'll shine, because this was the day that i realized who i was again. who i was and what i am composed of. what i carry on my back, in and my heart, it weighs down on me so much, but it never gets too heavy, because i'm always going to be strong enough. one day i will leave this place and i'll go on to be the best my mother ever saw. not that i live to make anyone proud, but living to prove myself. to prove that i can do this, live my life, wall-less and hopeful for tomorrow, another day- another dollar in my pocket, in my suit case. everyday another mark on my list. another day of survival in a world of wild animals feasting on everything that moves. we're all mannequins here. everyone surrounding me is invisible. walking around like hungry cattle waiting for the day i fall to my knees and crack, so they can stuff their mouths full of desperation, nutrition, choking down every ounce of hate my body sustains. but i don't crack, i don't fall and i won't and you hate it. you all wait to watch me fall, but i never do. and when i do, no one is watching because the seats are all paid up, the sun is gone, you're all asleep and there's a long line outside, and the morning comes,and i stand there in the sun for hours with this look on my face, and you sorry people wait for me to break. to blink an eye in your direction. i will not. i can not. i won't. i don't need anyone else, besides the people i already have. i don't need anymore hate pumping quickly through my veins, bursting at the seems with every swing i take. day three hundred and ten, all heart, day two, mask-less. yes, i am finally free.

and so

i stay.
i'm done hiding.

interpret beauty how ever you wish, but never shall you measure me.
it's such a fucked up world out there.

i'm going to be alright.

lately.

my life circles around lines.
ever day another mark in my book.
another line waiting to make a group of five.

tally mark after tally mark.
three hundred and six of them.
all lined up, perfectly.

three hundred and six tally marks.
and everyone standing for a different reason.

i am surviving.

i can feel it on my skin.

when the sun came out this morning, i did not have to hide. the light coming in the window did not seem to hollow me out like it's done every other morning of my life. it did not burn. i did not close my eyes. i did not let myself rebuild my thin wall, protecting me from this fucked up, so-called, sorry excuse of a shitty world. i sat up and pulled the blankets down over my head, with my hands on my knees clenching it tightly so it won't leave me. i slowed my breathing and when i opened my eyes, i could still feel you. you did not fade this time. i softly said to myself "here goes nothing" and i pushed it off of me. my arms flung open stretched out like i was to be nailed on a cross in shame, (and oh what a sorry god you've got) i slid my feet down to the floor and instead of reaching for my cigarettes, i stumbled around my sea of clothes for my keys. i stood up and looked at the calendar. to my car to add another tally. to my book to mark another day, another day that i have survived, another day that i am breathing, still for only one reason, one hope, the little bit of faith i deny having, but know i do, the tiny spring of faith inside my hands, my eyes, my heart, in everything i do, is for you, still.

fuck you, sunlight.

for waking me up. i had a dream that i can't quite recall at all, and that's so unusual for me, normally they are clear and repetitive. i woke up this morning, with nothing but these few sentences, other than that, my mind drew up blank. and i hate it more than anything. it'll come back to me eventually, they always do, but i want to know now.

"i finally found you, no. you found me."

"i need you to hate me, so i can still find a way to love you, or feel something towards you at least so i can stay alive, IT'S CALLED SURVIVAL, i'm only doing what i have to, to make it to the next day, don't you get it? don't you fucking get it? hate me, so i can save myself."

"overcome. overcome. overcome. you're strong enough."

goddamn you.

i'm worried.

the world will never hear me scream again, because i am stronger now. i am worried that the world will never see what i see, the way i see it. i am a really little girl, with a voice bigger and louder than most would or could ever expect. i have so much to say. so much to do. so much ground to cover. so many people count on me to stay put together so well, as i do. so many people look up to me, for many unknown, undiscovered reasons. maybe it's my sense of freedom? how i can blend or stand out so well when times are convenient? my notion to become invisible in a world where nothing gets past anyone. where nothing is left untouched. i lay on my floor and i prance my fingers around, as if they were little men marching, and i line them all up and then i flick them all over. i am on top of the world.

sometimes, i can be too much.

i wake up and i'm shaking, but not in a scared sense, but it's more uncontrollable than i would of ever imagined. i want to feel you crawling up the back of my neck, loving me. crawling up the back of my neck like my fingers do when i ache for you. i want to ache for you. i close my eyes and you are close, i open them and you fail to fade and i like it. goddammit you're so close i can almost taste you. my head seems scattered and i can't sleep, i haven't even bothered trying to sleep but i know i'll just lay there wide-eyed for hours wishing i was where ever it is you are, wishing i was there for every second of every minute passing for a handful of hours until i give up and climb back to the couch, and set fire to another cigarette, and suck the death right out of it, pushing it down my esophagus and through my lungs and then back out again, repeating until there's nothing left but a collection of filters, taking away my stress one at a fucking time. i can not do this. please come home. being here scares me. i need to be free. i feel like painting but my body is tired. when i get this way, i paint, but i can't. i feel like sleeping but my eyes won't sleep. i feel like waking but it seems i'm already awake. i feel like living and yes, fucking, I AM STILL ALIVE. i don't want this to fade, i don't want you to ever fade. i don't want to become the only person i have ever known. i don't want to be afraid. i don't want to be like her. i want to be the way i am when you enter my head and lose yourself on your way out. you never leave my head. you're always here. i just want to feel this way, everyday for the rest of my life, finally for the first time since my grandfathers death, i am so relaxed, so infinite and so safe. and you can ask yourself the same question i repeat in my head all day long, day in and day out, do you? do you fucking save me? just answer me this, just this one question, are you, are you going to love me?

this morning.

you've some how found a way to make me shine, in a world when all i've ever known are the many grey parts, you've put that feeling back in my veins, pumping and recycling everything but hate back through my heart, in and out of my head. leaking out the tips of my fingers. i want to pull them down your face, a cross your bare cold chest. i long to keep you warm. i want you next to me, and around me, i want to be wrapped up in only you. like i am when i close my eyes, or when i sleep a few hours out of the night. because since the day before you left, you're all i know, all i want to know, all i want to ever know. you're in everything i do, and everything i see, every word i so silently speak. i breathe for you, everything is how it's supposed to be, falling so well into place as planned. i can not begin to fathom, you are the epitome, the root of all of my happiness. i don't ever want another. you've managed to keep me unafraid and safe, inside my head and inside my heart. i am no longer afraid of anything, infinite. you make me feel like i could save this world from deceit, from all the lies and all the bad, you make me feel as if maybe just maybe i could make it all go away, as you do me. you make everything fade. you are so wonderful, so fucking wonderful, don't you ever leave me. i need you.

i don't want

anything you aren't willing to give.
i've put my heart into this, you have everything.

nothing takes my mind away from things

i stand here, in solitude and i stare into a mirror coated in the warmth from the shower, i pull my hand up and i wipe away the thin layer hiding me from everything i hate, i stand here naked, the waters cold now and it's running off of my finger tips, i watch as the tiny rivers and streams roll down my body, following every crease, every curve, disappearing past my breast and down my stomach, pouring down my thighs, down my legs leaving little puddles wrapped tightly around my feet. i look up and i can see my face again, and there she is. she looks just like me, her hair and eyes the same, lady sedna. fuck you, lady sedna do you hear me? FUCK YOU. you do not scare me any more. i am not afraid. i am strong enough now. i will be beautiful again, you'll see. all of you watching, all of you waiting to watch me fall to my knees, you will all see.

NO ONE CAN RELATE TO THIS THE WAY I DO.

"it's so hard to make an effort to keep my surroundings in line. when sometimes, i can't do it for myself. i confess, i'm not the man i proclaim. my feet are sinking into the mire beneath me. and i can't help but notice the endless battle for air. while being swept by the tides of complacency. my knowledge is accountability. and i have to do something. blinded by the plank in my eye. i cannot guide anyone. i have to do something. this lonely vessel is surely sinking. i'm surely sinking. take me, if it means they die to themselves. only to raise up their new lives. stop my heart in its tracks if it will shake them. stop me. we are nothing without each other."

lyrics: SINKING, HUNDREDTH.
photograph by lukas webb.

i want to see things like this, out my window.

relearn to simply be reknown.

i can smell the rain approaching this soil. i can feel the ground under my feet thirst for your waters. rain down from the sky, plant your kisses on my shoulders. pour down on me, saturate me, until i can not hold anymore, become unbearable to me, and then feed me some more. i can smell the rain, getting closer as the clouds shift above me, intrigue me. intriguing every thought that floats through my head. enticing, completely. i can taste it when i breathe. i sit back and i think "i am fortunate to even be visible to the eye. i am fortunate to be seen in a world when all i have done is ruin myself and all of my perpetual surroundings." in a scarce field, you found me. alone and content and happy with no one at my side. i was so willing to spend my life the only way i had ever known, standing strong and standing alone. i was not longing until i heard your name, and now i feel as if i am starving. when i convinced myself i would never let myself need another, i have overcompensated, paying a copper penny for every second i spend thinking, convincing myself again, that i do. i need all of you. i need what surrounds you, surrounding myself. i need to walk the same streets, open the same doors, sleep on the same floors, stare into the same mirrors, feel you breathing down the nape of my neck, wrapped around me, in the same bed. secrets and whispers transmitted between two tangible beating hearts, i want to repeat every beat. saturated, please saturate me, i am at your feet, your disposal. in complete mercy of your every thought, every wish, your hopes and your dreams. engulf me, in everything that you are, composed of you and you alone. let me write this story the only way i know how. let me rewrite everything i have ever known. relearn to simply be reknown. let me trace the words on your lips, leaving your tongue everything but weary and tired. let me put you to sleep with my fingers, let this be the beginning of the greatest story i will ever write. i have always been so distant, scared and hopeless in a world where i know nothing other than the hate i've kept packed thin between each fist. i want to learn to love another properly, to finally know another. i want to know you, completely, inside and out, your heart, your mind, your body. you are going to love me.

get me out of this world

my head, it's spinning.
my eyes and hands, becoming so goddamn tired.

condemened.

he can't hear you slur your desperate words, keep crying to the sky, you ignorant fuck. he won't save you, and you can't save yourself. run to the heaven you've made inside your hollow head, i pity you. i'll watch filth take over you, and if you're a believer, you're condemned to your own hell. god. is. not. real.

ramble.

this blog was deleted, i'm not sorry.

my pores will seep purity

so everybody will ask what became of you, and i'll sit back and ask myself what have i become? and come tomorrow when the world looks me in the eyes, when i set myself free, standing parallel with my heart beating inside your chest, with a look towards the sky, i'll dare you to identify the monster in me, and you'll draw up blank, just like the hundred who've tried before. i look at the world outside my window, the world below my feet and i watch and i listen to it scream, and so it screams, this place wants me to hate. this place wants me to clench up my tiny fist and start swinging all over again, but i step back and i refuse. my thoughts, they don't scatter, and when i send them away to explore the grey parts, they stay, and i'm alright with that. i'm comfortable with them here, because for the first time in a long time, they are far from filth filled. they are pure and spilling over with more freedom and happiness than my tiny body frame can try to sustain, i try and i fail the first time, but i stand to my feet and i succeed the second. this time last year, i was running into the arms of hate, with my chest cut wide open ready to be engulfed, filling every vein with dirt. every vein with something stronger than love, when alone, when you spend your entire life hating, alone. hate. something you can't out do, or over come, or hide. i hated, and i was hated. everything i saw, i wanted gone, or dead. i swung swing after swing with out a desperate care in the world. i was not apathetic, because i despised apathy, and those who carried it on their backs, painted on their faces. i saw nothing. everything translucent. hearts beating hollow and words falling short. i was invisible and i was invincible, and colliding with a heart filled with just as much meant twice the trouble, and here i sit. the day before, ready for the first day of my life. ready to take in every aspect of another, and learn another, and to learn how to love another all over again, set aside from any type of love or affection i have experienced before tomorrow, which is today, and so tonight i sit here. and i think, of how my stomachs going to turn and tie knots and seal off the blood flow, and not let any of my fears or hate escape through my voice box. i'll watch for the reflection in your eyes as everything bad leaves my heart, my mind, my body, with your fingers pulling down my face, my pores will seep purity and my smile will shine with the sun, and i'll throw my arms around you, and know that because of you, i finally know who i am. tomorrow, i'll finally know who i am.

stay here in this sleep forever.

i close my eyes and i can see it all over again, the things that carry on inside my head, they appear so real to me. i lifted my head from your chest, my fingers tucked safely in the nape of your neck, tapping to the sound of your beat. one one two, one one two, one one two. i couldn't see anything besides you. i couldn't hear anything besides you, and we layed there and you wrapped yourself around me, sending me this sense of security, and i knew that even when i woke up, everything was going to be alright. but i didn't wake up, i kept my eyes closed as tight as i could. i didn't want to wake from this. i fell back asleep and i went back to laying next to you, curled up next to you, saturated in you, in your smell, in your taste, in everything you were composed of, i found you. all of this was in my head, but i knew in my heart, it would lead me straight to reality, from inside here, inside my head i am safe. i am beautiful, and when i see what i see when i sleep, when my eyes are open to the world that walks before me. when i wake, i find myself telling myself over and over again, i'll never need another, and i've never meant that more. i don't scream, i don't kick, i don't cry, nothing hurts anymore. you've taken all of the bad away from me, washed all of the dirt from my hands. purity. serinity. i have finally found my heart. i can finally breathe again knowing what i have ahead of me, from this day out, from this minute, down to the very last second, i know what i want. i know what i have and could have until the day the burn my body and throw it in the ocean with the rest, i know what is in my heart, what is in my head, the words i hold deep down inside, tucked safely inside my voice box, i know what sets me free. i know what holds me here, in these state lines, when months ago, i'd give the world to aboard a plane with a one way ticket and never come back here again. i think of the last time i told someone these kinds of things, and i think of how much i thought i meant them, and now i know, i've never meant them more, you have all of me, i want to breathe in what you breathe out, become apart of you, of your everyday, and at the chance that you'd let me, stay here in this sleep forever, stay here, forever with you, next to you. it's on you, i'm never turning my back to this, you will never see me walk away.

everything seems to be falling together, well.

it feels as if a long time ago, with the loss of someone who understood me beyond expectations, i built a world up around myself. i built walls taller than the tallest trees, shielded myself away from the world and all it had to offer. buried deep, hidden behind a mask for years not worth counting, staying solitude, happy with myself knowing not another heart to be worthy of hurting mine, ever again. i stumbled along a shoreline lined with only stars, calm waves that i don't have to fight anymore. found a heart that carried the same weight as mine, and a mind with more than enough to intrigue me. i wrote you a note yesterday, and i know that you can't read it because you are gone, but i put it in a bottle and i sunk it under the water, you're the only one i talk too, even when i know you can't hear me. we spread your ashes around the shore of your favourite place. green island you were the last to know, the greatest man to ever swim these waters. my head kept reading the words i wrote, on repeat. "dear grandfather, i am going to make you proud."

when i thought i took nothing for granted.

this movie, taught me that i did.

it's twisting my side, into knots.

my eyes are blue for you. in my head, i kept repeating "so this is what it feels like, to actually feel beautiful?" i'm fighting the waves to enjoy the ocean. all the waters, they belong to me, engulf yourself, soaked in, sinking in my seas. the land may be yours, i'll spare your feet the time, wrap them in waters warm, and everyone else can stand ashore and watch me, watch us as we flood. taking over everything. i am so saturated, so alive in everything you are made of, so clear. composed of. every molecule, crispy crispy crispy clear, we'll read the words off of their lips. no sounds. no ears. no walls just waves, light coming in from the surface, how it trans lutes your face, shadows creeping atop every crevasse, don't you go up for air, we can breathe down here. stay, i can save you, down here.