Sunday, May 24, 2009

sometimes, i can be too much.

i wake up and i'm shaking, but not in a scared sense, but it's more uncontrollable than i would of ever imagined. i want to feel you crawling up the back of my neck, loving me. crawling up the back of my neck like my fingers do when i ache for you. i want to ache for you. i close my eyes and you are close, i open them and you fail to fade and i like it. goddammit you're so close i can almost taste you. my head seems scattered and i can't sleep, i haven't even bothered trying to sleep but i know i'll just lay there wide-eyed for hours wishing i was where ever it is you are, wishing i was there for every second of every minute passing for a handful of hours until i give up and climb back to the couch, and set fire to another cigarette, and suck the death right out of it, pushing it down my esophagus and through my lungs and then back out again, repeating until there's nothing left but a collection of filters, taking away my stress one at a fucking time. i can not do this. please come home. being here scares me. i need to be free. i feel like painting but my body is tired. when i get this way, i paint, but i can't. i feel like sleeping but my eyes won't sleep. i feel like waking but it seems i'm already awake. i feel like living and yes, fucking, I AM STILL ALIVE. i don't want this to fade, i don't want you to ever fade. i don't want to become the only person i have ever known. i don't want to be afraid. i don't want to be like her. i want to be the way i am when you enter my head and lose yourself on your way out. you never leave my head. you're always here. i just want to feel this way, everyday for the rest of my life, finally for the first time since my grandfathers death, i am so relaxed, so infinite and so safe. and you can ask yourself the same question i repeat in my head all day long, day in and day out, do you? do you fucking save me? just answer me this, just this one question, are you, are you going to love me?

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