out out out out out out

if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them.
if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them.
if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them.

i repeated as i walked out of my mothers room, with her asleep on her side of the bed, i just getting up from my fathers side, we laid in the dark and watched this movie, smoked our cigarettes as i laid head at the opposite end, running my fingers down her caffs to put her asleep as the movie played on. she had been in pain all day, she couldn't sleep, which is how i ended up in her room to start. she dozed off so quickly. i finished the movie. picked up my cigarettes and my pillow, kissed her on the head and left the room, shutting the door so softly not to wake her, behind me. i threw my pillow a cross the living room, and watched it bounce off the couch on to the floor. i switched on the porch light and put a cigarette in my mouth and searched my pockets for my lighter, but i came up short, so i walked down the front steps in a hurry to get to my car, but the second my feet hit the soil i froze. i listened to the wind carry away my thoughts, and i put both arms out to my side. i followed the stone path to the drive way and turned towards the lake to look for what i didn't know i was looking for until that very second. the sky, the horizon. it was dark and pitch black and i could see where it began and ended, i kissed my fingers and threw them up to the stars. thank you stars. i turned back around and continued to my car, still repeating "if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them." over and over again, quietly under my breath, as if i was trying my damnedest to not let anyone hear me, as if there were actually ears out to catch a listen. there was no one. everyone's asleep. i don't sleep. i opened the passenger door of my car and pulled out my phone for light, i scrambled around for a light and again, found nothing. i ripped out my car changer and slid in the car lighter, and punched it in, to feed it fire. i didn't even wait for it to pop out, i pulled it out after about ten seconds and i put it to the end of my addiction, pulling in my much needed nicotine. i shut the door and leaned up against my car, took another drag. found my way back to the porch and i sat in the chair in the corner, the fan blew on my face and pushed my smoke back in my eyes, so i kept them closed. when my cigarette got low, i pulled another and lit it off my cherry. i did this seven times before i got up and went back inside. i'm on the couch now. curled up with my phone next to me, waiting for someone to maybe text me and relieve me of my stress. waiting for someone. anyone, but mostly for you- waiting for you to call, but you don't. you never do. i need you. i laid curled up with my fist clenched over my heart, and i cried. making sure no one could hear me, i cried and cried and i confessed how in my life, i've never been so weak to myself or to others. i need to stop pretending to be so strong. this is survival at it's finest, and that's all it will ever be. i laid there and i told myself, "the truth hurts." one new message. two new messages. three new messages. four, five, six. twelve new messages. i finally wiped my eyes and unclenched my fist long enough to pick up my phone. shaking. i read them all. all of them.

"i'm sorry. i have no excuse. i'm sorry"
"who do you love?"
"erica are you up."
"sigh, erica. i have a reply for this when i'm off."
"you can trust me honestly. i know how it is to not be able to trust anyone. tell me what is going on erica."
" i don't have an answer"
"this blows"
"you are strong enough."
"you find a ride?"
"it's hard to explain"
"where are you?"
"i love you."

i fell asleep there on the couch, for needless to say maybe ten minutes. i woke up and read all of those in order, it baffles me the way my mind works. i put my feet to the floor and my head in my hands, and repeated to myself "everyday is just survival. this is all i have, today, tomorrow, and the days following, this is all it will ever be."

welcome to my world, and oh how it is so never ending, and if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them.

today is yesterday's tomorrow.

"Because there are things upon this earth
we as human beings are not meant to endure,
like being subject to an overall judgmental society.
It makes me sick to know that my life will be
represented by the world we are in now.

Get me out. Just get me out of this world.
This is something that I fear time cannot heal for me.
Everyday it's getting harder to find the energy.
Get me out. Just get me out of this world.
This is something that I fear time cannot heal for me.
Everyday it's getting harder to find the energy."


if you aren't already familiar with the band "it prevails" you should give it a listen. Ian Fike, is such a brilliant man, and this band as an entirety means so much to me.

i finally stopped counting.

(photographs by Kyle Jackson)

bewildered.

it seems i've got more heart than i can even bother admitting too. my mind stretches far greater than these tiny arms ever will. i can't escape this constant circle. these brass-bound walls. i'm a risk not worth taking, a hollow girl with too much to prove. a tiny girl with two clenched fist, a map; mapped out with so much wrong direction. i need something tangible. i need to find my citadel, rather than the solitude i've been sinking in for so long. i need to swim. i am so bewildered. i don't know where i'm going, where i've been, or even where i'll end up, but i'll find my place in this world when i get there.

TRUTH NEVER SLEEPS.

my heart, my citadel.

throwing my hands up towards the sky, searching for the sun, screaming at the world, WHERE IS YOUR HEART? where is your heart? SHOW ME YOUR HEART. don't you come back here, don't you dare come back to this place. my heart, my citadel- and one day when i find a soul that can see, eyes so kind and calm, heart kickin' like a drum, show me some passion, show me your heart, someone- anyone, i plea.

keep on changing, until i'm back to the girl i once was.

knee deep in filth. please go away.

i can't take this constant struggle anymore. they are all screaming at me. as if; screaming at me is their sleazy- way too under paid, low society, sorry excuse of a day job. which can only mean, it's like a song on repeat. the words they scream. pounding my head, i reach for another aspirin. water. aspirin. repeat. they won't stop. not for anything. everyone is making it such a point to try and calm these fist of mine, rather than this heart i try so hard to keep caged away, hidden- so no one can see. it kicks like a snare drum. i can feel the cadence. nothing is visible anymore. everything is translucent. we are all so translucent, clear like glass. we are the water that beads off the leaves in the morning, falling and fading into the soil with the sun. we are all invisible. nothing makes sense. all these things are collaborating and colliding into the biggest circle of mess i have ever witnessed in my entire life. these brass-bound walls are so tall, and here i stand knee deep trying so hard to figure myself out. looking upward at the sun, trying so hard to keep my heart and my head in sync, to keep my head above these rocky waters. i can't enjoy the ocean, if i have to keep fighting off these waves. one after the other. repeat repeat repeat. i don't want to get sucked under anymore. i can not get sucked under anymore. leave me alone, all of you.

there you go again;

walking in and out of my life.

and here i sit, my heart sinking in my chest and pounding like a drum all because of the way you said my name, all because of the way your laugh carried a smile all the way to where i was, as i caught myself trying so hard to wipe it from my face and failing attempt after attempt.

when are you going to give up and just love me?

lately; my life be like:

and i love it.

spiraling downhill

can't stop, won't stop. fuck the weak.

enough becomes more

my love, is always going to be the most beauitful kind of love. i won't, i couldn't ever find it anywhere else, and i don't care enough to try. the crowds, the faces of everyone we know will hate it, and their mouths will sit slack jawed, reeking full of desperation. we will walk with out shame. we have fought through the hardest, pushed past the unthinkable. no one will accept us, but there's no one strong enough to fucking stop us. this world can not keep us apart. no- this world can not keep us apart.

yeah.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

!!!

rabbit hole.

i can feel the light fading, as i inch myself back down into the same hole i spent so many years of my life in. i'm watching the world pass me by from inside of here, and it all looks exactly the same. who are we to say what makes us happy? when in the middle of all that's happening, we simply lose ourselves up in our own heads and we can't find an escape route back out to the sun, or the stars, pending on the time.

i'm rambling for once and that's alright.

i want to be happy.
i want to be happy alive and free.
i don't want anymore weight on my shoulders.
i don't want to carry around all of the bad anymore.
i don't want to see myself up against a wall with my fist clenched trying,
struggling to find a reason to open them, ever so softly.

i fail and i find nothing, so i keep them closed-
just like yesterday and all the days before then,
and it'll be the same tomorrow, and the following.

i'm solitaire
and stuck
and confused
and i feel so god damn hopeless.
lost.
fucking hopeless.
walking, not even running,
but walking in circles.

i want out of this rabbit hole.
i want to feel the sun light.
i want to watch the world spin,
standing on my feet.

i need to keep my head up.
i need to be free.

DAY 383

still counting.
still holding on.
can't let go.
heart still beating.
we keep moving.

i can't fathom the day that this is no more.
i can't think hard enough about what lies ahead.
will i ever be just enough?

"will my love ever be enough?"
"yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes."

i guess i'll just keep on until i reach the sea.

because they touch my heart.

my sunflowers this year, are so big.

and when you look up at that painted sky

will you please remember my heart, rather than my eyes?

you can take my money, and take my keys, but please if you will- leave my voice and my heart with me.

they're coming at me from all directions.
and then i'm surrounded.

so surrounded, a critical invasion from all sides.

north.
south.
east.
west.

they're everywhere.

slingin' pretty words my way, trying to win these blue eyes in their direction.

you can stop this sorry attempt.
it's going to get you nowhere,
nothing but you traveling down a dead end road ending in a sweet redemption of failure,
not lacking a second of disappointment.

everyone is out to get to me.
everyone wants to see what i see,
everyone wants to be in sight.
everyone wants to feel what i feel,
but darlin' i slur a plea, i tell you-
i can't open up a door that's been locked for well over a year now.

this heart belongs to someone other than myself.

you won't get through.
you won't get in.

and trying to tear down the walls i've built around myself,
will only result in a very foolish act upon your appearance,

save your breath and save your time.
i'm worthless to this world.

everything i have to give-
belongs to someone else.
you are wasting everything you're carrying in your hands, to give to me.
don't waste whatever it is you have, on me.
please.

i can't watch anymore fall as i walk away.

i'm solitaire.
i'm stuck, i can not express to you my love.
and that's exactly what i want.

i don't need anything else, ever.
this is me, forever.

day 378;

keep moving.

truth never sleeps.

you think prayer will set you free from the monstrous things you have committed, the indistinguishable, impassable things you have done? i still don't sleep. i still can't bring myself to close my eyes and be at ease. i've become one with the sun, because that's when the world can see me. with the moon rising in the sky, i begin to hide again, i begin to hollow myself out, because it's when the sun is gone, that i am scared. it's when the sun is gone, that i shake. it's when the sun is gone that i scream, and still no one will ever hear a sound, because i am strong enough. i don't have to kick and scream to save myself, a little bit longer and the ones i see, will never see me. you will wake up and i will be gone. i will be so far gone. i will not leave a trace, i will not let you in. i will not let any of you people find me. i will become invisible to all that i know, and i will build this world over again inside my head, i will find some stiff soil and i will engage in the renovation of my new world. i will find my own foundation. i will be free. i will decipher every word i have ever written and i will pick out the sweet parts and i will then write, the greatest story of my life. i will find it within myself to pull myself up out of the mess i'm surrounded in, i will not stay down in this rabbit hole, just to save your life. when they wake and they find nothing, all fingers will be pointing at you, you can tell them why i am gone, and you can make them comprehend why i am never coming back to this place. you are at my mercy, you're life belongs to me, and myself alone.

i will always be stronger than you, i will always be better off than you are, you will never be blessed with salvation because you can not save yourself.

do not question why i am who i am, what is wrong with my head, when you already know the answers that i will try so hard to articulate off of my lips.

the truth never sleeps, and once you've been bite by an animal, you will never reach out for that animal again.

makes me take a really deep breath.

three hundred and seventy seven days.
fucking three hundred and seventy seven days.
three hundred and seventy seven god damn tally marks.

i confess;

i find it hard to face the wind and slur words that both you and i know would be as false as ice surviving a second in hell.

i find it hard to walk out that fucking door and not look at this world as if it weren't built for the two of us, when i know damn well, it was.

this is our soil.

this is where we fell in love.

i find it hard to walk around not knowing where you are, who you're with and what's running both so subtle and so urgently behind those hand crafted deceiving green eyes you carry.

i find it so hard not to count the days i wished i didn't love you, rather than count the ones i've spent knowing i do, i love you.

i could add the two sums together and the number still to this day, never shocks me more.

i could mark another tally, i couldn't draw another line, but those tallys and those lines will never be the total outcome or the map to not loving you.

being the girl who doesn't love you, baffles me.
i will never be her.
she will never come here, and when she leaves, she leaves, but she's not me, so i stay.

i can't see you, and i can't be with you, but i'd rather be parallel to hell before i confess that i don't love you, before i confess that from over here, i can't love you. because i do. and i do, everyday that passes.

and i can't decide how ignorant that really makes me, and i couldn't bother to actually care.
i don't know what any of these statements will matter, or what will be the resolution of all these not so hollow words, but i want you to know, that i love you.

still, after everything we have pushed our way through rather than around, i love you.
i find myself thinking what if i didn't?
what if i could love another the way i love you?
would i be half as happy?
even knowing you're not mine, and still knowing i will never truly ever, be anothers.
is this me sinking?
is this me swimming?
treading water?
not able to move on with another second of my life, because i try so hard everyday to pretend, to hide it.
to hide how much i do actually care.

how much i wonder.
when i wander to our tree and climb to the top and look down onto a world, and some water that we claimed as ours, here as we summited to the top and laughed at all the leaves.

and i watched as you so innocently picked me a flower from one of the branches near, and i smirked at you.

i despise flowers more than i am willing to express, they make you smile and then they die, worthless acts of kindness.

but- but i kept it, and i pulled it to my nose and i breathed in, and the sweet smell of jasmine engulfed me, and you reached for me, and took my hand, and you locked us with the key.

everything was quiet, only the wind.

i heard it whistle and we watched as it climbed around the ground and sung to me.
i watched the wind, i watched as you sung to me.

always waiting, always loving, never forgetting, never breaking.
memories they are so bittersweet.

caged up like a bird.

fighting to take flight, i'm going to get out of here, and you can watch the dust from my words fade and gather with the wind.

look at you in the rear view, won't get no goodbye from me.
oh how you think you hide it so well, i know everything.

you. disgust. me.