Friday, July 31, 2009

out out out out out out

if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them.
if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them.
if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them.

i repeated as i walked out of my mothers room, with her asleep on her side of the bed, i just getting up from my fathers side, we laid in the dark and watched this movie, smoked our cigarettes as i laid head at the opposite end, running my fingers down her caffs to put her asleep as the movie played on. she had been in pain all day, she couldn't sleep, which is how i ended up in her room to start. she dozed off so quickly. i finished the movie. picked up my cigarettes and my pillow, kissed her on the head and left the room, shutting the door so softly not to wake her, behind me. i threw my pillow a cross the living room, and watched it bounce off the couch on to the floor. i switched on the porch light and put a cigarette in my mouth and searched my pockets for my lighter, but i came up short, so i walked down the front steps in a hurry to get to my car, but the second my feet hit the soil i froze. i listened to the wind carry away my thoughts, and i put both arms out to my side. i followed the stone path to the drive way and turned towards the lake to look for what i didn't know i was looking for until that very second. the sky, the horizon. it was dark and pitch black and i could see where it began and ended, i kissed my fingers and threw them up to the stars. thank you stars. i turned back around and continued to my car, still repeating "if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them." over and over again, quietly under my breath, as if i was trying my damnedest to not let anyone hear me, as if there were actually ears out to catch a listen. there was no one. everyone's asleep. i don't sleep. i opened the passenger door of my car and pulled out my phone for light, i scrambled around for a light and again, found nothing. i ripped out my car changer and slid in the car lighter, and punched it in, to feed it fire. i didn't even wait for it to pop out, i pulled it out after about ten seconds and i put it to the end of my addiction, pulling in my much needed nicotine. i shut the door and leaned up against my car, took another drag. found my way back to the porch and i sat in the chair in the corner, the fan blew on my face and pushed my smoke back in my eyes, so i kept them closed. when my cigarette got low, i pulled another and lit it off my cherry. i did this seven times before i got up and went back inside. i'm on the couch now. curled up with my phone next to me, waiting for someone to maybe text me and relieve me of my stress. waiting for someone. anyone, but mostly for you- waiting for you to call, but you don't. you never do. i need you. i laid curled up with my fist clenched over my heart, and i cried. making sure no one could hear me, i cried and cried and i confessed how in my life, i've never been so weak to myself or to others. i need to stop pretending to be so strong. this is survival at it's finest, and that's all it will ever be. i laid there and i told myself, "the truth hurts." one new message. two new messages. three new messages. four, five, six. twelve new messages. i finally wiped my eyes and unclenched my fist long enough to pick up my phone. shaking. i read them all. all of them.

"i'm sorry. i have no excuse. i'm sorry"
"who do you love?"
"erica are you up."
"sigh, erica. i have a reply for this when i'm off."
"you can trust me honestly. i know how it is to not be able to trust anyone. tell me what is going on erica."
" i don't have an answer"
"this blows"
"you are strong enough."
"you find a ride?"
"it's hard to explain"
"where are you?"
"i love you."

i fell asleep there on the couch, for needless to say maybe ten minutes. i woke up and read all of those in order, it baffles me the way my mind works. i put my feet to the floor and my head in my hands, and repeated to myself "everyday is just survival. this is all i have, today, tomorrow, and the days following, this is all it will ever be."

welcome to my world, and oh how it is so never ending, and if they can find you, then it's easier for you to find them.

2 comments:

Claude Monet said...

i love you.

Jennings said...

kinda confused but you are an amazing writer.