Thursday, June 11, 2009

i love you. receive me, oh how i have denied this world in your name.

i was on my way home.
i was going slower than usual.
i didn't want to miss this, most people speed up when they are trying to catch something, but for this, the complete opposite, i needed to slow e v e r y t h i n g down.
i couldn't let it pass with out knowing i was right.
i watched as the wind climbed up the trees, rustling and weaving in and out of every shade of green, every leaf.
i watched at they spoke to me.
i pulled my car over, and it muffled as i put it in park, i stepped out onto the cold ground, radio still on.
i stepped out onto soil that would soon be engulfed and flooded by waters falling down from the endless sky.
i wanted to wait for them, kisses from the unknown falling all down my shoulders.
kisses from the sky, running down my bare legs.
saturating me.
i had to wait.
i had to wait for it, i've spent my whole life sinking.
my hair is short now, but the sky never thought twice about picking it up and pushing it in my face, and i pushed it away again.
i watched the dirt form tiny clouds and the breath of the earth push it, wrapping it around my ankles, and then disappearing back into the nonexistence.
i watched the clouds of dirt and lies and filth gather, and then i watched everything bad escape me and then vanish right before my eyes, like waves swallowing all my tiny secrets.
i looked away to the west, to where you are, and then back again, all the dirt had left me.
i peered down into the palms of my hands and they felt so clean.
i could feel it on the back of my neck, like i could feel your warm breath the first time i clung to you.
i felt bewilderment dawn a cross my face, like it did when i first saw you.
i could taste it on my lips, like i could when you last kissed me, underneath that dark star spangled summer sky.
the waves- reflecting the lights, like a million tiny fire flies.
we rested our feet at the top of the world, it seemed, and both of us denied you, we didn't want to need anyone else, beside each other.
i was surely sinking.
i could feel it on the back of my neck, i turned and threw both arms out as far as they could stretch, sending my fingers to escape, failing to find nothing but tiny droplets falling from the sky.
i looked to the sun, and the sun was fading.
i looked to the other side for assorted colours shooting out somewhere from the clouds down to the ground, but i found nothing.
i looked up again and i realized that this is it.
you were right, and i laughed as the sweet sweet carolina rained down, as it poured down on me so lightly and so heavy all at the same time.
everything and then nothing and then everything again.
it all started to make sense now.
even though i probably shouldn't have, i began to spin. laughing at my sense of freedom, laughing for anyone maybe watching from a distance.
i was in my own little world, a place no other has ever been, and for the first time in my entire life, i was standing in solitude, sinking and somehow as far from alone as i could imagine.
still in the middle of the bridge, three streets down from my house, spinning.
covered in water and feeling as free as i could possibly feel.
i could smell it approaching the minute i stepped into the sun early this morning, as i took in my suggestive serving of nicotine and curled up on my porch with my cold coffee.
sweet on my tongue.
i took a deep breathe before going back into the dark to climb back into my bed, my sanctuary.
i could smell it.
i had waited all day for it to come, looking for it every time my skin felt the sun, i waited for it.
i waited for you, and you came.
i asked for answers and you gave them to me with no excuses. this is me screaming for you.
in agony.
this is me singing for you.
so quietly.
receive me, oh how i have denied this world in your name, omnipotent one, hear these sweet little whispers.
today, i sung for you and you alone.
today, i was not hiding.
today, i was not hollow.
today, i was finally free,
and now because of today, i can finally love you.
i've spent so many years of my life running from the idea of your reality.
sinking, when i know i'm strong enough to swim.
treading water when, i know i could go for miles, with you inside my heart.
and now i can love you with all of me, with every single fiber, hoping but not asking, for you to just love me too.

1 comment:

amyblake said...
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