Tuesday, August 18, 2009

let these words be my only weapons.

i think of everything i have ever encountered in my life. i sit down and i begin to reevaluate my life as a whole. the things i find appealing to my eyes, my heart, my mind, my hands, my feet, to my head. i let my fingers try and erase the pain from my life and the pain my heart seems to still find a way to endure, but as usual, i fail time and time again. i begin to make things fade. everyday they fade. you fade, then i fade, and we fade together. i lay on the couch with my hands over my breast and i study the beat of my heart pulsing through me. i close my eyes and i study the faces of everyone i have loved, their lips, where i used to rest mine in the middle of the night, rolling over to find you shaking, because i seem to always hog the blanket. their eyes, where i used to lose myself, like a child lost at sea. what a wonderful escape you used to be. i study all of their faces. when only to realize all that i have loved, i have loved alone, and when that all unwinds and untangles, i'm still alone, loving. alone loving everything. for the first time in my life, i'm almost okay with that. i shake at the sound of your name. my hands, my heart, my head. yes, you are the only face i studied tonight.

1 comment:

pandasmakemusic said...

I've been stuck in the same parallel. Feeling that sometimes I'm a spectre, wandering through the days of the living, watching as they pass, and walk through me like an open door, but no one has ever really tried to find the key to my locked heart.

I've never been loved, only fucked. It makes me wonder whether love is something shared between two people, or if it is a just a sensation, felt differently by every individual.

I've found myself being content with my existence. A moment in time that only I hold, and a grain of sand that doesn't count in the hourglass of the rest of the world, but still, I am content. I am alone, but I have hope that one day I will find my equal ghost, the girl that doesn't live to breath, but the girl that lives to love.