Tuesday, April 14, 2009

of course we've all seen her.

but where has she gone? am i not strong enough anymore to control my anger? to control my temper. i walk into a house full of people i know, i walk in and make direct eye contact with every beating heart in the room except yours and i watch as bewilderment dawns a crossed your face, just as i'm sure it was already written all over mine. i did not want to be here. not in this house, not this day, not now. i pushed past the few drunk people i knew, and ran right into the kitchen, i leaned against the counter and buried my face in my hands. my bag laid on the floor all spread out in the other room. i needed my cigarettes, i thought about walking into the other room, not saying a word and just getting them and getting out, but my body didn't move. i stayed there. for some reason, i didn't feel like myself, uncomfortable in the skin i was falsely advertising, so clever and so well. i hardly said a word, and when i caught a smile, i sent one back. hiding under my mask. i felt like i had so much on my shoulders. i couldn't come down to earth, i could get my head away from the stars. Lady Sedna, i call her. she's not a pretty girl, her heart is cold and she doesn't care. i walked in there, surrounded by people i love and would die for, and i walked from room to room, with out a care in the world. everything everyone said, in one ear and out the other. i was so solitaire. i felt like the monster i used to be, maybe that's why i wasn't afraid? she came and took the fear i was caring and she shifted my thoughts to ignorance and invincibility. i felt on top of the world, educed with power, i kept my fist clenched to my side, ready for whatever the world could throw at me. but it seemed the minute i stepped out onto that porch, i could feel myself settle back into who i was. i could feel her go away, and i was alone all over again "you're never alone erica, i'll always be waiting here. your walls are not strong enough anymore" and you guys always ask what are my walls any good for? what are my fucking walls any good for? WHAT ARE MY FUCKING WALLS ANY GOOD FOR? oh sweet indifference and ignorance, tasteful to my lips. got to keep them away. tolerance and belligerence, free from my filth invested veins, keep on flowing. release and recycled, inhaled and exhaled, smoke filters my lungs. "get out. get out. get out. get out, i don't need you anymore." oh sweet omnipotent one, where are you? will you deceive me? you are nowhere, you do not exist, get out of my head. you sassy bastard, the liar of all the lies. you will never take me, i'd rather stand alone.

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