Tuesday, April 14, 2009

come close, lady belial.

and this is what she looks like, the girl who fell in love with you
that sweet summer, i surrendered. i do not look like this anymore.

do i gather my thoughts and take them to bed? or do i sit with my feet digging into each other with my hands gripping both sides of my face? do i let out what i can't make sense of? do i sit here and cry until i can't cry anymore? because i know you got the best of me? or do i stand up and say, i can't do this, and that i won't. i know i won't but i can't help but to let myself wander, my thoughts race back and become clear again. i pull my hands from my head. or do i stand up and say you can't get to me again, as it seems you never did before. i will not falter. i will not stand for this. i need the sun on my shoulders. i need it's warmth back in my veins. i need to breathe it in. i need to breathe for myself and not anyone else. i will not bow to your feet, i will not let you grab a hold of me like you have so many times before. lately i've been baffled. i've ran into more hearts than i thought possible, none of them are as cold as yours was. none of them could hurt like yours did, and still i deny them. you hurt me, seems you've ruined me, and the rest of the world won't get to enjoy that part of me that i let you see. you saw things the way i saw them, you saw things the way i saw them. you saw right through me. i was translucent to your eyes. invisible to the rest. i know apart of my heart will always scream your name, but i've found a way to silence the voice in my head that skips on repeat day in and day out. i still shake to the sound of your name. i'm still afraid and the only difference is, this time i know why. i won't let them take me, the demons in my head. the angels i make up thinking i am finally saved, i am finally free. they finally let me go. i know that god does not exist, but i still sit and listen to the trees speak, i'm losing control. the leaves rustle around and i remember standing at the top of these trees for the first time and screaming my name and reminding any ears that may be listening, that this is my world. this is home. just as you did on that mountain. but you will not take me. i will not falter. the trees listen to me and the ants carry a little bit of me away each time they crawl across my feet and hide away into the cold ground. into their tiny homes. i can smell the rain coming, i whisper for them to hurry, to scurry away and hide like i wish i could, but know i can't. i can't hide from the world because you hurt me. i can't hide away like i want too. i don't have a sea of blankets or the sound of your banjo in my ear. neither i yearn for, neither i need, but still i can't get the sound of stinging bees out of my head. i pull my hands away from the branches and i push the leaves out of my face and i peer down into the water and i search for my reflection but i fail and i find nothing. just the glare of the sun bouncing around and shifting directions. i summited this tree like i carved every branch my own, like a piece of my memory, fit together. keys locked. i could shimmy up it with my eyes closed and not miss a single limb. like so when i ran my fingers across your shoulders, never missing a single freckle. i know i'm stronger than this, please don't remind me. i guess just the thought of you reminds me, i am capable of love. i am capable of loving another with everything i have, and it's you who couldn't love me back, properly. it's you who ran, it's you who so swiftly walked away. silent. silence. then repeat. oh lady belial when will you come back home? i wish i carried your hate still, tucked safely between my fist so i could shake this off, like i shook you off so many times before. lady sedna isn't strong enough, belial, i need you close, keep him away from me. intoxicating. i can't turn away. breathe your hate into me, help me push him farther than i ever have before. i will not fall to my knees. i will not be deceived. you were born a liar, and you'll die a liar. show me what he made me. you can not love a love like this. it makes me so sick, it makes me so sad, yeah your mother raised such a sorry man.

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