Friday, April 17, 2009

bewilderment, or the lack thereof.

i sat in bewilderment, as i slurred my life story or the parts of what i had conjured up of it, arranged into words, to try and make some sort of sense, to try and get it down on paper, a record of who i was then and who i am now, the indifference between what was and what still is. what i took and what i left behind. i had lost myself "withdrawn from my own reality" i want another to interpret beauty they way i see it. to see the things i see, how i see them. to understand with out any slight confusion why i am the way i am, how my head works as it does. clever trick blend in, repeating the same metaphors because it's all i can find to spell it out for you correctly, or incorrectly, which ever way you choose to take it. i climbed on top of the mountain i built so tediously inside my head. i had to summit that mountain,and so i did, like i built in on my own, my own foundation, to my own little never ending world. i found a place where i was okay, a place of sheer comfort and solitude. still no matter how many times i ventured back to those woods, where the trees were tall and the grass was green, every return, everything untouched the way i left it. i was still so alone, and up until now being alone was perfectly alright with me. i was okay. and out of the blue, i yearn to be next to you, because i feel you'd find a sense of security next to me, inside my head. some sort of unexplainable comfort leading to the point of discomfort, completely dumbfounded, baffled, safe inside my chest, beating inside my heart. in sync with that tiny organ as it pumped the blood right through my worried veins. it was so inviting. so enticing. something so new. you'd trace the tree roots with your fingers watching them dive in and out of the ground, coming up for air and resurfacing to let you catch a glimpse of what reality did or did not appear to be, here in this world. here inside of my head. i find myself going there more often than i swim to other places, here and there and up the hill, down the trail to the cool waters. they were so clear and so blue. and so i swam. i dipped my tongue in for a taste of what i would imagine to sting like purity, sincerity. utopia they call this, complete nirvana. but it was dual and stale and that was alright, in my world nothing was to feel too sharp. pungent. here in my world, i made sure, nothing hurt. here is where i could remove my mask and never fear fear. i was not afraid. i am not afraid. the sun shoots it's arms through the leaves and it reaches my shoulders leaving kisses made of sweat, on my body, where it has never been kissed so soft before. the slightest touch, would make me shake. i'd turn the other cheek and walk away, into the dark and back beneathe the trees, into the shadows where the sun couldn't scare me. where my eyes didn't burn. i lay in the grass as an open book, come to me and read me, my words composed of mistakes and wrong direction. your eyes are so intriguing. i welcome you with open arms, get inside my head, get inside my head. i scream your name and you don't answer. hello ears are you listening? hello heart do you hear me? i wish to feel you, your fingers on my face, i am astonished. where did you come from? lurking up on me, and scaring the life back into me, to the point of feeling more alive than i've ever felt any day, or second before. i feel alive again. i feel compelled to say i need you, in so many different ways. listen to me talk about you, and how you so easily set everything i question at ease, sleep in peace you suble letters, marked return to sender. i need not your anwers, i have found mine here. a linger. a stoe away, i am free.

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