Sunday, April 5, 2009

nicotine enduced.

"sorry, i can't look at you?"
"...what do you see?"
"you're scared, but you do care."
"i'm fucking terrified."

as if i were a time bomb, i stood in the middle of the street, noone here cares if you go or if you stay. i watched the faces move as if they were some sort of cattle, lining up to walk into a bed of rusty nails. smiles dawned a crossed faces for as far as my eyes could reach. everyone belligerent of what was present. what was going on around them, so clueless, so ignorant, bliss kissed, deprived. i watched you linger near, your face read nothing short of emptiness. it was slowly draining me. you kept fading into the crowd, all i could see was the back of your head walking away from myself and everyone else standing near. i was watching you the entire night. i almost followed you, but i was hesitant. and then you'd wander back and i could feel you, like warm breath on my neck. locking eyes a hundred feet away, turning the other cheek, avoiding all possiblities. taking it all in, i couldn't bother anyone else with my worries, i turned and walked away. for a few seconds i was the girl i used to be, and seconds later, i became the girl i was meant to become. twenty years later. get out of my head, stop. walls. walls walls. headache. i left with my friends on each arm, sending short breaths of laughter towards the dark starless sky. i was lost. i didn't know where i was drawing the line, and i couldnt fathom which side to stand on. i couldn't hold back that i cared, as much as i was trying to fight it, to scare it away, to blend in, to blurr. i failed. i failed everyone but myself, damn you, fucking damn you and your sweet kisses. seems as if we drove for hours, catching every red light. you can't see the stars out there, in that city, not like you can here, i missed you so much. i'm home now, alone in this room. ciggarettes burning. nicotine, enduced. where are you heart? are you in there? wake up. wake up. wake up and next to you i did.

1 comment:

madison m said...

everytime i read your writing it makes me want to write again; something i gave up along with having to recollect memories i wanted (and still want) so badly to forget
but i love reading something like this and feeling captured in these sentences, it's intoxicating-
keep writing. love you.