Friday, March 20, 2009

we are all borrowed time.


we spend our entire lives, taking and giving, and taking some more. we spend every minute scared out of our little tiny minds, thinking about what's to come down the line. the farther we move, the greater the risk. some of us forget to realize that every second we are alive, every second that our hearts continue to beat, at a regular pace and sometimes faster, every breath we take, every blink of our eyes, every word we utter, and every song we sing, is nothing but borrowed time. we're all going to give it back one day. every person that we pull ourselves up out of our self-dug holes to care for, to even love, is somewhere down the line, going to just be another great loss. that does not stop us. we're taking nothing for granted, not this time. if i knew i was dying, if i knew i had little to no time, i couldn't fathom another person i'd rather spend that time with. i can't imagine what it would be like, if we all lacked the knowledge to think. if we all lacked the brilliant gift of learning, of forgiving but somehow never forgetting, and sometimes on the rare occasion, the complete opposite. how would we all survive as the human society expects so much more from us? i have always told myself, since i was a young girl, that the masses would one day all know my name. how i was going to do that, and what weapons i would use, i was so unaware i had been carrying it with me through out my entire life. there is nothing in this world, not a word more and not a word less, not a soul, not another heart, greater than the one i carry in my chest. i place my hand over it, several times a day. and i feel it. i lay in my bed when the stars come out and i lay there until they are gone again, and i listen to it. ever since i could remember i've wanted to write a best seller. i've wanted my words, and my name on the cover of the new york times. i've wanted my picture, placed in the new york journal, with a page spread about my clever words and how they have changed so many lives, and how even after the day my body is burned and tossed into the sea, how they will continue to touch people all a crossed the world. now i sit here at this computer, 2o years young and as hell bound as they come. faithless and heavy eyed. if i ever believed in such a thing. but what i have, in my heart, is so god damn saturated in more power than any of my words could ever carry on, in my life time or the next. i believe we all have to figure ourselves out, before another can even fathom trying. and until then, we'll continue to watch people baffle themselves over and over again, as they stumble over they own two feet and stutter every word that escapes off of their impalpable lips. people don't think before they speak anymore, people don't look both ways before crossing. people become more and more impaired with ignorance every second the clock ticks, as time robs the life from our bodies day in and day out. i want to open my heart like i open books everyday. from the center, belly up, and then flip to the front and begin with the first words "once upon a time..." i don't want it to be like that however, once upon a time, i knew this girl, who had nothing. her soul was empty, her heart was cold, and her fist reeked of nothing but a brisk sweat of hatred. she was small, her hair was dark, her eyes as blue as the deepest depths of the deepest oceans. she was nothing. she had a hand full of well-worded sentences and more than a thousand metaphors explaining how she spent her days. how her thoughts would jumble and fall out, some sort of jargoned mess. leaving you and everyone else slack jawed with hardly anything to say. she would leave her town and become someone else, every place she went. she mastered every lie she ever told. she mastered becoming everything she ever hated. she mastered becoming invisible. not to be seen by the naked eye. clever trick blend in. she was so care-free. she felt nothing, for anyone, anywhere. she was a monster. a tiny, well-worded monster. she could keep a straight face and lie through her teeth and you'd never know the difference. she'd keep a smile when her heart was breaking, and you'd never be able to notice. she was the con of the cons. a mastermind. flawless and very much so deceived by her own thoughts. no one could stop her, nothing could hold her down. she was invincible. her reflection disgusted her. her voice, making her sick to her stomach. she hated everything she was and everything she knew she'd never become. today i sit here, friday march 20, 2009. and i tell you, that girl is forever gone. none of you will miss her, none of you will know her name. none of you will recognize her face. her voice, or even the truth about who she is and where she came from. today i sit here and i type away and i realize our past is our past, and our future, if we risk it will someday, somehow be taken from us, so you, who ever is reading. don't you wait any longer, open your heart to someone who will stand by you, and never in front of you, someone who will stand by you and not hide behind you. i sit here today and i ask you, for your sake, come clean and wash your hands of all that dirt, i'm not asking you to forgive anyone, no one except yourself. apologies aren't worth any of your time. find what is in your heart and run with it. because sitting here and thinking about the girl i used to be, does nothing but push me forward. it does nothing but saturate my heart even more with everything around me. who i was, where i went, the mistakes i have made, do nothing but build a wall between what was and what still is, and it keeps me from turning back. i know i can never be that girl again, because of what i have in my heart. i am vulnerable and i am naive, but this is real. and this is who i am, i am not afraid. not anymore. i am not running. i refuse to take the easy way out. my tiny lungs can not take running anymore and my heart is far too frail to try. i am running down a road i have ran before and this time it is not rocky, it's free flowing and subtle and it feels nice under my feet. i know what i want, i know where i want to be. and for the first time in a really long time, i know exactly who i am. i don't stride to be inspiration. i don't beg for you to read every word. i only ask that if you do read, you take all of this to heart, because that is exactly where it is coming from, i, erica jean holmes, i have everything to give, and nothing to lose. nothing to prove. i want to shine with my true colours. i want to save who i can, and send them a map to where they wish to be. i want to allow you to be free, to hear your own heart beat, to be able to take a breath and feel it, just as i do, with every single godforsaken breath i take. i can feel it. please do not ask questions. i have no answers. do not contemplate, i have no excuses. just breathe in, and breathe out and know, that today i finally figured out who i am, and know that today, every ounce of hate within my soul has freely seeped out, like my mother said, in due time, it will all be gone, but you've got to risk it all. nothing having comes easy, and everything worth having is hard. just find your heart, stick your hands down your throat and into your chest and set it free. i have set out to be everything any of you ever thought i would, and everything i ever said i'd be. from here on out, this is me.


(and if you read that entire thing, please let me know, i want to thank you for the whole maybe 10 minutes of your life, i just took from you, that was borrowed and will never be returned, ha.)

7 comments:

patrickmccue said...

I'm glad to know this girl that you are happy to be now. I'm glad i read that entire entry. I'm glad you are free now.



relax, slow down take a deep breath and breathe :)

Fate said...

"just breathe in, and breathe out and know, that today i finally figured out who i am, and know that today, every ounce of hate within my soul has freely seeped out, like my mother said, in due time, it will all be gone, but you've got to risk it all. nothing having comes easy, and everything worth having is hard. just find your heart, stick your hands down your throat and into your chest and set it free."


i love that. and i love you. a lot of times reading your words is what helps me through stuff, and what helps me realize and figure things out in my own life. this was beautiful baby girl.

ericajeanholmes said...

i'm glad i could help, eden, i love you so much, and i miss you even more. get back in my life. summer's coming, get at the lake. i hope you're doing well, stay free baby girl.

Denise said...

so very well written.. and so very inspiring. i have much respect for the ways in which you think.

Claude Monet said...

"people don't think before they speak anymore, people don't look both ways before crossing. people become more and more impaired with ignorance every second the clock ticks, as time robs the life from our bodies day in and day out. "


the whole thing was amazingly well written and beautiful. you string the words together so melodically, and yet it seems as if you wrote it carelessly, like it was you, just talking.

i love you, keep doing what you're doing, and one day you will have that spread in the new york times, i know it.

Michelle said...

you are truly inspirational. i read this twice and each time it gave me shivers down my spine. you are a beautiful writer. i am an aspiring writer as well, but god damn. that blew my socks off. you are wonderful and this post was touching. i could feel your voice flowing through ever word and it was just simply touching. and thats what i think is best about a writer; it doesnt matter how many people scan your words, or dissect them in a highschool english class, it only matters how many hearts you touch and how many live's you affect. and as far as i am concerned, you are a brilliant writer, because your writing touched me and affected me, and all of the other people that commented on this post. well done. (:

hch said...

This spoke to me on some level. It feels as if I'm being urged to step foward, and show the world who i am, and to put my heart out there.

thankyou.