Saturday, March 28, 2009

because i need to get this all out of my head.

this was the night that i last saw you, the night, that i last loved you, and when i went home that morning, any part of me that still loved you, stayed there with you, and i watched as you destroyed it, burned it to the ground, my body limp at your feet, it seems. like you were siphoning the air out of my lungs, almost. then breathing particles of hate back in, through my lips. filling every vein. every morning after i woke to my feet and pulled myself to the kitchen, i poured it into my coffee and i drank it down, ounces and ounces of hate, doses, everyday. packing my fist full, and taking swing after swing after swing. not a care in this little tiny god forsaken world, i had no worries. every swing, faster and hitting harder than the last, feeling fresh, because i let you keep them closed for so long. i let you keep them closed while you lied and lingered behind my back, i kept them closed and i never pulled another as close to me as i did you, i never felt anyone besides you, and you broke me. for years, it was me. i broke people. i pulled them in, winded them up and let them down nice and easy, sometimes really fast and they'd hit rock bottom really hard. and i'd move on to the next. unashamed. i could have anything i wanted. i didn't take it for granted. i played my cards well, i lied and deceived everyone i knew, hated everything. i wanted everyone to hate me, because i hated all of them, and if it was mutual then that meant, i wasn't crazy, or losing my mind, but it was fair, and i'd get what i deserved, and then i found you, and when i thought you were the one resurfacing every part of me that had been hiding you were just molding and painting over and creating a hate filled monster, even more than i already was. you left and then i left, and we both left and it was for the best. we could never love each other how we thought we did. you say it was real, but where were you when i needed you the most? off playing games with my head, and toying with my heart, throwing around words, because you were too fickle to just say you were afraid i wasn't going to come home to you. when in all rationality you knew i had it in me, you knew i was coming, just a few more days and i would of been home free. home-bound, in your bed, in your arms, even months later, there with you, in that house, instead of his. it's safe to say the girl i have described here, that hate filled, tiny well-framed girl, is gone. and she has been for some time now, these are just the few things i have left to say to you. and only because i know you won't come looking for any two of these hundreds of words i've written here. you were everything to her, you were everything to the girl i was then, and it baffles me to say that she is no longer. i still, till today, stand strong or i stand alone. i am forever thankful for you, you turned me into something i hated and i found the strength to push her away. to change, completely. my hate and my love does not feel the same anymore. my happiness is not found in how hard i can hit someone, but found in hazel eyes and a slight smile. the way a child feels wrapped around my leg. the sun beating down on my face, kisses from a heart i've never felt before. my body shaking because something for the first time, feels real, since the last time my lips took flight off of yours, with no escape route and two blown engines, no directions and no excuses. now for the first time in years, i know who i am. i know what i can become, and i know what i will never be again. jospeh elijah ackerman, if there is anything left to thank you for, it's for being the biggest unregretful mistake of my life, you are down to nothing. dead to me, and still i thank you everyday, for showing me, how better off i really am.

this was not an act of anger, but so full of heart.
i am, still, strong enough. i will not falter.


allysin said...

Seriously, fuck yeah.

art2bseen said...

I think you use your writing to sugar coat everything.

Since when do you need to make a a statement to someone pretty to read ?

Wouldnt it be more effective at times and less subjective to simply say what you need to say with out all the fluff ?

Sometimes your writing goes full circle contradicting yourself in the end.

Just a thought , short and sweet can get the job done also.

ericajeanholmes said...

mom, you're way too clever. and that's why i love you.