lately:

memories, they crash like waves.

the sun will be up soon, and i'll be waking to another day, and just like the last- with the sun- you will fade.

today, i was free.

how far are you willing to go?

to feel?
to fall?
to forget?
to fade?

you tell me that you see everything.

i close my eyes and i try to sleep, i want to sleep so i sleep. i can see you standing over there, i can't see your face, but i know you can feel me approaching, i know you know i'm here. i just have just one question for you, my love. you see everything? do you see me fighting? DO YOU SEE ME FIGHTING? struggling, do you see me living everyday, SURVIVING? just to hold on too every part of the girl i once was? fighting back as this sleep tries to dawn on me when the sun leaves the sky? do you see me watching just as you are? TRUTH NEVER SLEEPS, does it? do you see me loving? you only see what i want you to see. i let you see things, so i can locate you. so i can find you. you fade into this world and you hide so well from me. you bury yourself, you bury the parts of me you still carry everywhere. you can't hide them from everyone, they can all still see it. and i can still pull you out of hiding when i wish. when i need you to resurface. we pull and push and pull and push some more. that's all we ever do. witty words to one another that only we know the meaning of. i try to decipher your happiness with out me, and i draw up so blank. i know what happy looks like, and it's not her. not in your eyes. you can pretend, you can hide, you can be a coward if you wish, but no one will ever love you like i have, no one will ever know you like i do. and i do, i know you all way too well. you can't hide forever, ho my sweet darlin' i'll be seeing you.

and then i woke up, and it was gone again, just like it always is.
these words repeat in my head day in and day out.

what is to become of this, and more importantly what is to become of myself?

not okay.

thank you, really.

hiding here, where it's safe.

i woke with a very distinguished taste.

let these words be my only weapons.

i think of everything i have ever encountered in my life. i sit down and i begin to reevaluate my life as a whole. the things i find appealing to my eyes, my heart, my mind, my hands, my feet, to my head. i let my fingers try and erase the pain from my life and the pain my heart seems to still find a way to endure, but as usual, i fail time and time again. i begin to make things fade. everyday they fade. you fade, then i fade, and we fade together. i lay on the couch with my hands over my breast and i study the beat of my heart pulsing through me. i close my eyes and i study the faces of everyone i have loved, their lips, where i used to rest mine in the middle of the night, rolling over to find you shaking, because i seem to always hog the blanket. their eyes, where i used to lose myself, like a child lost at sea. what a wonderful escape you used to be. i study all of their faces. when only to realize all that i have loved, i have loved alone, and when that all unwinds and untangles, i'm still alone, loving. alone loving everything. for the first time in my life, i'm almost okay with that. i shake at the sound of your name. my hands, my heart, my head. yes, you are the only face i studied tonight.

so close i can taste it.

you're something i'll never be able to grasp.
but you're so close, i can almost taste you.
hold you tight between my arms,
it doesn't mean a thing.

i just want to keep you, still.
show you everything.

and now i know

i
know
what
fighting
for
nothing
feels
like.

oh darlin' i'll be stronger this time around.

i can promise you that.

you are always going to be everything. the most beautiful of anything i have ever seen, and if i can't reach you now, then i'll keep on until i can. nothing is stronger than what i carry so heavy in my heart. i wake up aching to make it fade. i fall asleep each night just to do the same.

i'm trying my damnedest to forget you.

and just when i've got all the kinks worked out, i realize forgetting you, means i too, begin to fade.

oh it's going to feel so good.

i can't wait to say goodbye.

god forbid you speak another word.

this constant running in circles every day from dusk until dawn, i'm so tired. i'm exhausted. dead on my feet and distressed. jaded. constantly. giving up and giving in, it gets easier and easier each time. every - single - tiny - god - forbidden - ruthless - step - i - take. the soil shifting beneath my feet and the wind changing directions every other second. i can feel it kiss my cheeks. i can feel it tangle itself in my hair, i can feel it whistle between my fingers. i can feel it siphon the air right out from between my weary lips, and i'm left gasping. kicking and screaming. sweating like when you've just waken from a bad dream. fall asleep to nothing. rise to nothing. good morning, and repeat. i've got to get out of this routine. someone, save me.

stand on the shoulders of giants.

Let this be the most i have ever disentangled. Up until just recently I realized I was looked at as about as hell bound as any young girl walking in this world, could ever come off as. I was full of fear, and everyone could see it- you could all read it on my face, how i stood still like a robot; hollow. the worry in my joints, in the curling of my toes praying for the sun to fade. you could see it in my fingers, and you could taste it in the hate that dripped thin from between my fingers. i was always way too stubborn and prideful to ever show any of it, even though you could read me like an open book. I was so unaware. I had spent a lot of time up in my own head, and diving into the minds of others for so long, weaving in and out of five o'clock traffic racing down freeways to put up a fight, or hold a friend back from one. I'm that girl that had the right words, wither they be right or wrong, they've always pushed people forward and never set them back. In my early years writing was my everything, my only escape. The only thing I felt I could do right. The only thing i ever really proclaimed to actually know and understand. Against all false pretenses, correct grammar and run on sentences meant nothing to me, comma splices and metaphors were the best of my friends.

I was always going places to feed my head. I was watching you and your friends at that party, or at that show. Watching every single move I could possibly stumble across. I was showing up late, or coming in early with pen in hand, jotting down your every reaction. I was that girl who pulled you aside when you were in tears, screaming at the sun, just to hear your story. I didn't care about you, it was apparent but I tried so hard to hide it. I never cared about what was really going on. I just wanted to run home and document your reaction. I needed real reactions, from real people. Making them up in my head, was something I could not fathom. So I set out everyday to find them, shoving myself into situations I would of never found myself, if I had not of been addicted to the look on someones face when someone died, the way their body collapsed over me and I rocked them in my arms, back to some sort of noticeable sanity. The look on someones face when someone felt and knew love, for both the first and last time. I was always there, when the juice spilled out like blood shed. I was hunting for the look on your face, when your boyfriend cheated on you with her, against all of your knowledge. The words that so quickly spilled from your mouth in rambles not even my pen could keep up with. Pen and paper began to fail me. Time and time again. People began to wonder what I was up too, why I was always scribbling things down. People stopped inviting me places, stopped asking me to tag along. "she's always writing in that damn book." and I was. I eventually put the book down. If i could just remember- take a mental picture, I would be alright. I began studying people again. Everywhere I went. Everyone, and everything I saw. I remembered. Even if it meant putting words on repeat in my head until I could find someway to get it down, out of my head- as i did.

I need to sort out my fears. I need to sort out who I was and who i am. I need all of this to make some sort of sense, to myself and myself alone. I'm tired of the girl I was verse the girl I used to used to be, verses who I am today.

we were all Left To Vanish...

i'm so glad i got to see my PA boys again, four years and counting! D4L!!! that and i'm real sorry these pictures are so late, these are a few weeks old.