andes ydal <<<

lady sedna, returns.

the return to the water.

the sun came down to me today. i want to be wrapped around in warm waters, submerged with my eyes looking towards the surface. somewhere balanced between the mucky soil and the air we breathe, swims a girl. with her arms stretched out to her side, fingers relaxed, and limp, not trying. dragging her feet as if she were walking. hair alive like the creatures on the reef. i watched the current push it around. i watched as she swam in place. i watched as she began to tread water. this is hello. this is goodbye. i'm scared. i'm treading water.

oh sweet summer.

i can feel it in the current.

c o m e_b a c k_t o_m e.

i can't decipher the difference anymore.

"am i hiding, or am i just hollow?"
"neither, everyday is just survival."

i have to find a way out of this place, i'm standing in the wet grass, barefoot. arms up, screaming at the sky. is love, really capable of setting you free?

i souled my sole to the red

d e v i l

but he won't take me anymore.

they say everyone has an angel.

(that's if there ever were such a thing.) and if there is, then it feels so good to know who mine is. everyone please say hello, to Jeffrey Hoover. i can honestly say there is not a soul on this planet who has (genuinely) even with out the knowlegdge of knowing so, done as much for me, as he has. i am so grateful and appreciative to know such an amazing person, with a beauitful mind and such a kind heart.

tonight someone told me something

that made alot click.

i'm on the pursuit of my own map, my own happiness. everything and everyone has the ability to heal, with the right words and the right people. my walls will soon be so useless. this is going to be one hell of a ride, so sit tight.

anticipating chaos, and causing a fuckin' ruckus.

swimming in circles, with the sharks, so parallel to hell.

despite what you believe

gone.

when will this world make sense to me?

when can i climb out of this rabbit hole?
when will i be enough?
when will my lifestyle be acceptable?
when will the world stop screaming for me to change?
when will you love me?
when will you let me love you?

i have got to find a way to escape this place.
this world.
so tolerable, and so tolerated, so overrated, and so under paid.
indistinguishable.
indistinguishable mess, i am.

i have got to get away from here, but the water keeps pulling me closer.
under.
under.
under.

i can't breathe.

fish out the water.

summer has finally arrived.

i love you. receive me, oh how i have denied this world in your name.

i was on my way home.
i was going slower than usual.
i didn't want to miss this, most people speed up when they are trying to catch something, but for this, the complete opposite, i needed to slow e v e r y t h i n g down.
i couldn't let it pass with out knowing i was right.
i watched as the wind climbed up the trees, rustling and weaving in and out of every shade of green, every leaf.
i watched at they spoke to me.
i pulled my car over, and it muffled as i put it in park, i stepped out onto the cold ground, radio still on.
i stepped out onto soil that would soon be engulfed and flooded by waters falling down from the endless sky.
i wanted to wait for them, kisses from the unknown falling all down my shoulders.
kisses from the sky, running down my bare legs.
saturating me.
i had to wait.
i had to wait for it, i've spent my whole life sinking.
my hair is short now, but the sky never thought twice about picking it up and pushing it in my face, and i pushed it away again.
i watched the dirt form tiny clouds and the breath of the earth push it, wrapping it around my ankles, and then disappearing back into the nonexistence.
i watched the clouds of dirt and lies and filth gather, and then i watched everything bad escape me and then vanish right before my eyes, like waves swallowing all my tiny secrets.
i looked away to the west, to where you are, and then back again, all the dirt had left me.
i peered down into the palms of my hands and they felt so clean.
i could feel it on the back of my neck, like i could feel your warm breath the first time i clung to you.
i felt bewilderment dawn a cross my face, like it did when i first saw you.
i could taste it on my lips, like i could when you last kissed me, underneath that dark star spangled summer sky.
the waves- reflecting the lights, like a million tiny fire flies.
we rested our feet at the top of the world, it seemed, and both of us denied you, we didn't want to need anyone else, beside each other.
i was surely sinking.
i could feel it on the back of my neck, i turned and threw both arms out as far as they could stretch, sending my fingers to escape, failing to find nothing but tiny droplets falling from the sky.
i looked to the sun, and the sun was fading.
i looked to the other side for assorted colours shooting out somewhere from the clouds down to the ground, but i found nothing.
i looked up again and i realized that this is it.
you were right, and i laughed as the sweet sweet carolina rained down, as it poured down on me so lightly and so heavy all at the same time.
everything and then nothing and then everything again.
it all started to make sense now.
even though i probably shouldn't have, i began to spin. laughing at my sense of freedom, laughing for anyone maybe watching from a distance.
i was in my own little world, a place no other has ever been, and for the first time in my entire life, i was standing in solitude, sinking and somehow as far from alone as i could imagine.
still in the middle of the bridge, three streets down from my house, spinning.
covered in water and feeling as free as i could possibly feel.
i could smell it approaching the minute i stepped into the sun early this morning, as i took in my suggestive serving of nicotine and curled up on my porch with my cold coffee.
sweet on my tongue.
i took a deep breathe before going back into the dark to climb back into my bed, my sanctuary.
i could smell it.
i had waited all day for it to come, looking for it every time my skin felt the sun, i waited for it.
i waited for you, and you came.
i asked for answers and you gave them to me with no excuses. this is me screaming for you.
in agony.
this is me singing for you.
so quietly.
receive me, oh how i have denied this world in your name, omnipotent one, hear these sweet little whispers.
today, i sung for you and you alone.
today, i was not hiding.
today, i was not hollow.
today, i was finally free,
and now because of today, i can finally love you.
i've spent so many years of my life running from the idea of your reality.
sinking, when i know i'm strong enough to swim.
treading water when, i know i could go for miles, with you inside my heart.
and now i can love you with all of me, with every single fiber, hoping but not asking, for you to just love me too.

if you weren't so focused on staying cold

i'd try reminding you what the sun felt like.

hearing your voice

hearing your quiet voice, repeat me your name, "erica this is a***" and follow through with such a sincere apology, reminded me that even though we all go through so much bullshit here in this goddamn world, even though you and i, as much as we hate to admit it, are so much alike, i don't think anyone in this universe could second guess my feelings, what i'm going through, why i am how i am, what is in my fucking head, like you could the very first try. i know we will never be as close as we were, and i'm sorry. i really am. i'm so so so sorry for everything, and i know you know i am. i know you don't think of me the highest, or even close to that, and not that i expect you too, but you know you can always call, and i will always answer. i told you that night in charleston i would always be here, and again when you called me crying telling me to stay strong and i had no idea what you were even talking about, but you can hear the worry in my voice just like last night, when i was so scared and i just cried to you. you know what i feel, you know what it feels like. why do i keep pushing you away? why do i always hurt those who help me the most? even though i get angry and i say stupid pointless hurtful things, because i lose my head and have nowhere else to turn, blaming myself and myself alone. i still thank you for reminding me that i am strong. a strong, horrible, rude, ruthless person, who allows herself to get hurt repeatably. it won't happen again. it can't. never again. i have got to change, no more monsters in my life. i thank you everyday. thank you, thank you, thank you. i know you'll never repeat it back again, but i do, i love you. you are an angel, if i ever believed in such a thing.

just when i thought i had enough.

even when i think i have swam long enough
in these crispy crispy cold waters.
oh carolina,
i find myself reaching,
longing to swim in the seven seas.
i find myself resurfacing after minutes of being head under,
breathing,
aching,
arms stretched out to the top, fingers escaping, screaming for the sun.
coming back up for more.

i feel like every other day,
you fade,
you're trying so hard to hide the heart i know you have,
i can see you.

you are not translucent to me,
not to my eyes,
my mind,
nothing.
i see you.

and somehow the night before the next
i will always find a way to pull you back to me.
really slow, and then really fast.
i told you i wasn't going anywhere,
and i know you believe me now.

you believe in me now.

your eyes, and your smile,
and how to made me feel when you just simply,
held my hand.
when you dragged your fingers a cross my stomach.
or stole a kiss on the cheek.
how we couldn't stop laughing at each other.
how i can't recall a memory where i've ever felt so safe, and so free.

this surpasses the memories when i felt like i was standing on top of the world.
Caesars head, summer of 08, i remember how free i felt.

no comparison.

i need you to be alright.
it's a given, and i'm sorry if that scares you.

but i wasn't made solider strong like i am, to lie to this world and all it's people.
i am who i am, because i'm not afraid to tell people these things,
in chance that they might just walk away in fear.

i'm not afraid of people leaving, i've watched it my whole life.
they walk and walk and walk, and i'm always alright.
i'll always be alright, never okay, but alright.
every time i open my mouth.
i take a risk, the risk of another person, walking in and out of my life.
and then in and out and in and out for good. gone.
and it's a risk, a chance i am willing to take, everyday.

because i can't keep things like this in my head,
i have to choke them out and consolidate the thoughts into one.
until then, i feel sick, and cluttered.

i don't feel sick anymore.
i don't want you to walk away.

sweet like honey sharp like wine.

keep trying, keep falling, keep failing.

never will you stand on my level, on this soil. never will any of you see what i see. never will any of you understand the ground under my feet, walk with out sinking, as i do. every step i take, i'm just getting closer. "you're getting colder" and "you're getting warmer" you keep repeating. fuck you. "i know where i'm going, you don't even know what i'm looking for, you sassy bastards don't even know what i'm searching for." "erica where is your happiness, where has it all gone?" "what are you even talking about?" "you're so well at hiding, but i can see you." "i know. i let you see me." "i don't understand, all this anger, all this hate" "i know...that's how it has to be" "no it's not." "YES IT IS! IT IS, CAN'T YOU SEE, DON'T YOU SEE IT? DON'T YOU FUCKING SEE IT? MY FIST ARE CLENCHED, THEY ARE RED AND THEY ARE CLENCHED SO TIGHT, AND I CAN'T OPEN THEM, I CAN'T FUCKING OPEN THEM. I CAN'T LET IT GO. I CAN'T. I CAN'T I CAN'T. I CAN'T BREATHE. I HATE EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. POUR A GLASS AND DRINK IT DOWN. THIS WORLD FUCKING DISGUST ME. i was born this way and i'll die this way, you won't figure it out, none of you ever will, because right before you surface and have a slight slight clue, it shifts, and right when you think you've figured out "enough", enough grows, invisible, clever trick, blend in, get out. free yourself. SURVIVAL at its finest. fuck off, you are sick. you need help, peace easy, ciao, goodbye sweet sweet carolina."

it's days like these

when i forget who i am becoming.

and somehow, some way, it doesn't even phase me.
not the least bit.

no mask, bring on the sun.
count the freckles, as they arrive.

i don't know who you are.
where is the freedom here?
what are we all searching for, for so long?
where has it all gone?
there is no love here.
these streets are filthy and disgusting.
they make me fucking sick.
i don't know who i am.
i don't know who i am becoming.
where am i?
don't you ever come back to me.
i will never love you again.

another sweet, summer day.

in my favourite dress.

and to think

that one day, i will return to the sea.
under the water where nothing can hurt me.
surrounded, where i can breathe.


i'm getting out of here.
i will be free.

you goddamn indian giver.

comebacktome.
no need to be so cold, the suns out, take it in, soak it up.

time is inevitable.

and still i wear it over my heart. hanging down from my neck. there's a story behind this pocket watch, my grandfather gave it to me, it was made in geneva. it doesn't tick anymore, but it still keeps up with time. it reminds me day in and day out, that we are all just borrowed time, as i have stated before, it's not going to slow down, but it sometimes speeds up, it goes backwards, up and down and forwards, (always at the same speed, never slowing down for anything.) and there's absolutely nothing we can do to control it. we're slightly useless when it comes to defeating the wait, but all i know and all i have ever known is, that time is worth it. my watch still reads the same the last time you picked it up from my chest and held it tight in your hands, and it'll read the same, the next time your fingers find their way to the gold i wear around my neck. wearing a watch that doesn't tick, is the only way around time, it's the only way that makes any sense. i don't lose time, and time doesn't lose me. it's always the same. i don't know if this makes sense to anyone but myself, and even if that's the case, i don't care. it makes sense to me, and that's what matters.

today is all we have.

today felt good.

"what the hells gotten into you erica."