just when i thought i had enough.

even when i think i have swam long enough
in these crispy crispy cold waters.
oh carolina,
i find myself reaching,
longing to swim in the seven seas.
i find myself resurfacing after minutes of being head under,
breathing,
aching,
arms stretched out to the top, fingers escaping, screaming for the sun.
coming back up for more.

i feel like every other day,
you fade,
you're trying so hard to hide the heart i know you have,
i can see you.

you are not translucent to me,
not to my eyes,
my mind,
nothing.
i see you.

and somehow the night before the next
i will always find a way to pull you back to me.
really slow, and then really fast.
i told you i wasn't going anywhere,
and i know you believe me now.

you believe in me now.

your eyes, and your smile,
and how to made me feel when you just simply,
held my hand.
when you dragged your fingers a cross my stomach.
or stole a kiss on the cheek.
how we couldn't stop laughing at each other.
how i can't recall a memory where i've ever felt so safe, and so free.

this surpasses the memories when i felt like i was standing on top of the world.
Caesars head, summer of 08, i remember how free i felt.

no comparison.

i need you to be alright.
it's a given, and i'm sorry if that scares you.

but i wasn't made solider strong like i am, to lie to this world and all it's people.
i am who i am, because i'm not afraid to tell people these things,
in chance that they might just walk away in fear.

i'm not afraid of people leaving, i've watched it my whole life.
they walk and walk and walk, and i'm always alright.
i'll always be alright, never okay, but alright.
every time i open my mouth.
i take a risk, the risk of another person, walking in and out of my life.
and then in and out and in and out for good. gone.
and it's a risk, a chance i am willing to take, everyday.

because i can't keep things like this in my head,
i have to choke them out and consolidate the thoughts into one.
until then, i feel sick, and cluttered.

i don't feel sick anymore.
i don't want you to walk away.