hearing your voice

hearing your quiet voice, repeat me your name, "erica this is a***" and follow through with such a sincere apology, reminded me that even though we all go through so much bullshit here in this goddamn world, even though you and i, as much as we hate to admit it, are so much alike, i don't think anyone in this universe could second guess my feelings, what i'm going through, why i am how i am, what is in my fucking head, like you could the very first try. i know we will never be as close as we were, and i'm sorry. i really am. i'm so so so sorry for everything, and i know you know i am. i know you don't think of me the highest, or even close to that, and not that i expect you too, but you know you can always call, and i will always answer. i told you that night in charleston i would always be here, and again when you called me crying telling me to stay strong and i had no idea what you were even talking about, but you can hear the worry in my voice just like last night, when i was so scared and i just cried to you. you know what i feel, you know what it feels like. why do i keep pushing you away? why do i always hurt those who help me the most? even though i get angry and i say stupid pointless hurtful things, because i lose my head and have nowhere else to turn, blaming myself and myself alone. i still thank you for reminding me that i am strong. a strong, horrible, rude, ruthless person, who allows herself to get hurt repeatably. it won't happen again. it can't. never again. i have got to change, no more monsters in my life. i thank you everyday. thank you, thank you, thank you. i know you'll never repeat it back again, but i do, i love you. you are an angel, if i ever believed in such a thing.