baffled.

in a world, where everything seems so real. i wake up and climb out of bed, and my body hurts. i open my eyes and this is all i see, a concoction, a blur. reality aside from what is in my head, what is in my head aside from what is in my heart, lately doesn't seem to match up the way i always thought it would. i can't place my finger on it, i can't make sense of it, when really all i want is to make one person happy. one person to love me, for who i am entirely verses my appearance, or the things i do, or do not believe in. this world is so beauitful, so full of so many things, so many faces and places and thoughts and misunderstandings and it still manages to hold it's beauty, unlike i do. i lose sight of alot of things. i lose direction everyday. i back track, i get scared and i tuck and run, when i tell the world, i'll never do such a thing, ever again. i don't know how to get what i want, because i used to do such, in such a horrible way, and refuse to become that girl again. my hate and my love is not the same, and it bothers me, because that is what i am so used too. my reaction brings me to my knees, and fills my eyes with tears that i can't just push away because they just keep coming, steady. i want a life with out judgment. i want a life with out excuses. a life with out reason. i just want to live for myself, and i can't, and it hurts and it baffles me completley. to love another with everything you have, and gain nothing. the will to let that go, falters like a child in a candy store, with a dollar to spare on some gum drops and candy ciggarettes. what is to come of this world, what is to come of me?