i confess;

i find it hard to face the wind and slur words that both you and i know would be as false as ice surviving a second in hell.

i find it hard to walk out that fucking door and not look at this world as if it weren't built for the two of us, when i know damn well, it was.

this is our soil.

this is where we fell in love.

i find it hard to walk around not knowing where you are, who you're with and what's running both so subtle and so urgently behind those hand crafted deceiving green eyes you carry.

i find it so hard not to count the days i wished i didn't love you, rather than count the ones i've spent knowing i do, i love you.

i could add the two sums together and the number still to this day, never shocks me more.

i could mark another tally, i couldn't draw another line, but those tallys and those lines will never be the total outcome or the map to not loving you.

being the girl who doesn't love you, baffles me.
i will never be her.
she will never come here, and when she leaves, she leaves, but she's not me, so i stay.

i can't see you, and i can't be with you, but i'd rather be parallel to hell before i confess that i don't love you, before i confess that from over here, i can't love you. because i do. and i do, everyday that passes.

and i can't decide how ignorant that really makes me, and i couldn't bother to actually care.
i don't know what any of these statements will matter, or what will be the resolution of all these not so hollow words, but i want you to know, that i love you.

still, after everything we have pushed our way through rather than around, i love you.
i find myself thinking what if i didn't?
what if i could love another the way i love you?
would i be half as happy?
even knowing you're not mine, and still knowing i will never truly ever, be anothers.
is this me sinking?
is this me swimming?
treading water?
not able to move on with another second of my life, because i try so hard everyday to pretend, to hide it.
to hide how much i do actually care.

how much i wonder.
when i wander to our tree and climb to the top and look down onto a world, and some water that we claimed as ours, here as we summited to the top and laughed at all the leaves.

and i watched as you so innocently picked me a flower from one of the branches near, and i smirked at you.

i despise flowers more than i am willing to express, they make you smile and then they die, worthless acts of kindness.

but- but i kept it, and i pulled it to my nose and i breathed in, and the sweet smell of jasmine engulfed me, and you reached for me, and took my hand, and you locked us with the key.

everything was quiet, only the wind.

i heard it whistle and we watched as it climbed around the ground and sung to me.
i watched the wind, i watched as you sung to me.

always waiting, always loving, never forgetting, never breaking.
memories they are so bittersweet.