i don't want

anything you aren't willing to give.
i've put my heart into this, you have everything.

nothing takes my mind away from things

i stand here, in solitude and i stare into a mirror coated in the warmth from the shower, i pull my hand up and i wipe away the thin layer hiding me from everything i hate, i stand here naked, the waters cold now and it's running off of my finger tips, i watch as the tiny rivers and streams roll down my body, following every crease, every curve, disappearing past my breast and down my stomach, pouring down my thighs, down my legs leaving little puddles wrapped tightly around my feet. i look up and i can see my face again, and there she is. she looks just like me, her hair and eyes the same, lady sedna. fuck you, lady sedna do you hear me? FUCK YOU. you do not scare me any more. i am not afraid. i am strong enough now. i will be beautiful again, you'll see. all of you watching, all of you waiting to watch me fall to my knees, you will all see.

NO ONE CAN RELATE TO THIS THE WAY I DO.

"it's so hard to make an effort to keep my surroundings in line. when sometimes, i can't do it for myself. i confess, i'm not the man i proclaim. my feet are sinking into the mire beneath me. and i can't help but notice the endless battle for air. while being swept by the tides of complacency. my knowledge is accountability. and i have to do something. blinded by the plank in my eye. i cannot guide anyone. i have to do something. this lonely vessel is surely sinking. i'm surely sinking. take me, if it means they die to themselves. only to raise up their new lives. stop my heart in its tracks if it will shake them. stop me. we are nothing without each other."

lyrics: SINKING, HUNDREDTH.
photograph by lukas webb.

i want to see things like this, out my window.

relearn to simply be reknown.

i can smell the rain approaching this soil. i can feel the ground under my feet thirst for your waters. rain down from the sky, plant your kisses on my shoulders. pour down on me, saturate me, until i can not hold anymore, become unbearable to me, and then feed me some more. i can smell the rain, getting closer as the clouds shift above me, intrigue me. intriguing every thought that floats through my head. enticing, completely. i can taste it when i breathe. i sit back and i think "i am fortunate to even be visible to the eye. i am fortunate to be seen in a world when all i have done is ruin myself and all of my perpetual surroundings." in a scarce field, you found me. alone and content and happy with no one at my side. i was so willing to spend my life the only way i had ever known, standing strong and standing alone. i was not longing until i heard your name, and now i feel as if i am starving. when i convinced myself i would never let myself need another, i have overcompensated, paying a copper penny for every second i spend thinking, convincing myself again, that i do. i need all of you. i need what surrounds you, surrounding myself. i need to walk the same streets, open the same doors, sleep on the same floors, stare into the same mirrors, feel you breathing down the nape of my neck, wrapped around me, in the same bed. secrets and whispers transmitted between two tangible beating hearts, i want to repeat every beat. saturated, please saturate me, i am at your feet, your disposal. in complete mercy of your every thought, every wish, your hopes and your dreams. engulf me, in everything that you are, composed of you and you alone. let me write this story the only way i know how. let me rewrite everything i have ever known. relearn to simply be reknown. let me trace the words on your lips, leaving your tongue everything but weary and tired. let me put you to sleep with my fingers, let this be the beginning of the greatest story i will ever write. i have always been so distant, scared and hopeless in a world where i know nothing other than the hate i've kept packed thin between each fist. i want to learn to love another properly, to finally know another. i want to know you, completely, inside and out, your heart, your mind, your body. you are going to love me.

get me out of this world

my head, it's spinning.
my eyes and hands, becoming so goddamn tired.

condemened.

he can't hear you slur your desperate words, keep crying to the sky, you ignorant fuck. he won't save you, and you can't save yourself. run to the heaven you've made inside your hollow head, i pity you. i'll watch filth take over you, and if you're a believer, you're condemned to your own hell. god. is. not. real.

ramble.

this blog was deleted, i'm not sorry.

my pores will seep purity

so everybody will ask what became of you, and i'll sit back and ask myself what have i become? and come tomorrow when the world looks me in the eyes, when i set myself free, standing parallel with my heart beating inside your chest, with a look towards the sky, i'll dare you to identify the monster in me, and you'll draw up blank, just like the hundred who've tried before. i look at the world outside my window, the world below my feet and i watch and i listen to it scream, and so it screams, this place wants me to hate. this place wants me to clench up my tiny fist and start swinging all over again, but i step back and i refuse. my thoughts, they don't scatter, and when i send them away to explore the grey parts, they stay, and i'm alright with that. i'm comfortable with them here, because for the first time in a long time, they are far from filth filled. they are pure and spilling over with more freedom and happiness than my tiny body frame can try to sustain, i try and i fail the first time, but i stand to my feet and i succeed the second. this time last year, i was running into the arms of hate, with my chest cut wide open ready to be engulfed, filling every vein with dirt. every vein with something stronger than love, when alone, when you spend your entire life hating, alone. hate. something you can't out do, or over come, or hide. i hated, and i was hated. everything i saw, i wanted gone, or dead. i swung swing after swing with out a desperate care in the world. i was not apathetic, because i despised apathy, and those who carried it on their backs, painted on their faces. i saw nothing. everything translucent. hearts beating hollow and words falling short. i was invisible and i was invincible, and colliding with a heart filled with just as much meant twice the trouble, and here i sit. the day before, ready for the first day of my life. ready to take in every aspect of another, and learn another, and to learn how to love another all over again, set aside from any type of love or affection i have experienced before tomorrow, which is today, and so tonight i sit here. and i think, of how my stomachs going to turn and tie knots and seal off the blood flow, and not let any of my fears or hate escape through my voice box. i'll watch for the reflection in your eyes as everything bad leaves my heart, my mind, my body, with your fingers pulling down my face, my pores will seep purity and my smile will shine with the sun, and i'll throw my arms around you, and know that because of you, i finally know who i am. tomorrow, i'll finally know who i am.

stay here in this sleep forever.

i close my eyes and i can see it all over again, the things that carry on inside my head, they appear so real to me. i lifted my head from your chest, my fingers tucked safely in the nape of your neck, tapping to the sound of your beat. one one two, one one two, one one two. i couldn't see anything besides you. i couldn't hear anything besides you, and we layed there and you wrapped yourself around me, sending me this sense of security, and i knew that even when i woke up, everything was going to be alright. but i didn't wake up, i kept my eyes closed as tight as i could. i didn't want to wake from this. i fell back asleep and i went back to laying next to you, curled up next to you, saturated in you, in your smell, in your taste, in everything you were composed of, i found you. all of this was in my head, but i knew in my heart, it would lead me straight to reality, from inside here, inside my head i am safe. i am beautiful, and when i see what i see when i sleep, when my eyes are open to the world that walks before me. when i wake, i find myself telling myself over and over again, i'll never need another, and i've never meant that more. i don't scream, i don't kick, i don't cry, nothing hurts anymore. you've taken all of the bad away from me, washed all of the dirt from my hands. purity. serinity. i have finally found my heart. i can finally breathe again knowing what i have ahead of me, from this day out, from this minute, down to the very last second, i know what i want. i know what i have and could have until the day the burn my body and throw it in the ocean with the rest, i know what is in my heart, what is in my head, the words i hold deep down inside, tucked safely inside my voice box, i know what sets me free. i know what holds me here, in these state lines, when months ago, i'd give the world to aboard a plane with a one way ticket and never come back here again. i think of the last time i told someone these kinds of things, and i think of how much i thought i meant them, and now i know, i've never meant them more, you have all of me, i want to breathe in what you breathe out, become apart of you, of your everyday, and at the chance that you'd let me, stay here in this sleep forever, stay here, forever with you, next to you. it's on you, i'm never turning my back to this, you will never see me walk away.

everything seems to be falling together, well.

it feels as if a long time ago, with the loss of someone who understood me beyond expectations, i built a world up around myself. i built walls taller than the tallest trees, shielded myself away from the world and all it had to offer. buried deep, hidden behind a mask for years not worth counting, staying solitude, happy with myself knowing not another heart to be worthy of hurting mine, ever again. i stumbled along a shoreline lined with only stars, calm waves that i don't have to fight anymore. found a heart that carried the same weight as mine, and a mind with more than enough to intrigue me. i wrote you a note yesterday, and i know that you can't read it because you are gone, but i put it in a bottle and i sunk it under the water, you're the only one i talk too, even when i know you can't hear me. we spread your ashes around the shore of your favourite place. green island you were the last to know, the greatest man to ever swim these waters. my head kept reading the words i wrote, on repeat. "dear grandfather, i am going to make you proud."

when i thought i took nothing for granted.

this movie, taught me that i did.

it's twisting my side, into knots.

my eyes are blue for you. in my head, i kept repeating "so this is what it feels like, to actually feel beautiful?" i'm fighting the waves to enjoy the ocean. all the waters, they belong to me, engulf yourself, soaked in, sinking in my seas. the land may be yours, i'll spare your feet the time, wrap them in waters warm, and everyone else can stand ashore and watch me, watch us as we flood. taking over everything. i am so saturated, so alive in everything you are made of, so clear. composed of. every molecule, crispy crispy crispy clear, we'll read the words off of their lips. no sounds. no ears. no walls just waves, light coming in from the surface, how it trans lutes your face, shadows creeping atop every crevasse, don't you go up for air, we can breathe down here. stay, i can save you, down here.

i close my eyes and i try and think of where i'd be if i didn't have you where i have you now. i try to pull an image up but i draw up blank and it confuses me, everything is white and i don't know where i'm at, so i push the thought out, and i escape back into my skin. i sit and i wait. my cigarette has already burned down to nothing but ash and i look down as i watch it fall from what's left, shaking between my fingers. i never want to go back there. not back to that place, keep me here. you keep me here. i need you, like i have never needed another before. you hold me still and spin me around all at once and it's like nothing i have ever felt before, and to think, i haven't even felt the slightest touch, i've never tasted you about my lips. you're like a burst of fresh air, clean and recycled back into my lungs. i never want to lose sight of this, finally i can see.

summer's arriving upon approval.

and it's TIME TO GET LOW!

the nobyl days.

i miss my boys.
everything is free.

"...you will never be beautiful again"

you have never been so wrong in your fucking life.

i feel like i've searched the world.

every street, every store, rooms flooded floor to ceiling with books, page after page holding a million words i know i'll never read, written by faces i know i will never see, and so i continue to flip through, flipping through these pages looking for answers and looking for questions, reasons with no excuses and i find nothing and everything all at once. i try to make some sense of this, the things i'm feeling and the things i'm not feeling, and the only one i find myself brave enough to pull out of me, is that everyday that passes i throw my hands up at the sky, i scream at the sun and i let a small proportion of my hate free, everyday. i let it go. escaping from all of my tiny pores, this is me singing for you. i want to be saturated in you, soaked in everything you are, everything you, your heart and your mind are composed of, this is me longing for you, to cop a feel of what happy actually feels like. my mind runs quickly to a blur and pours out a pure image, standing back watching you pull your fingers down my face, not a single shake, not a sudden stir. i do not turn away, i do not quiver at your simple touch. i do not falter. i seize the day, oh how the world will scream "carpe diem, carpe diem, carpe diem!" i paitently wait for it to come, and when it does, my world will never know another. i will never feel another.

the jist of what's in my heart, rather than my head.

never been so sure of something like this. you say my name, like i've never heard it before. the way your words flow off the tip of your tongue, put a knot in my side, that leaves me wanting to be where ever you are. i feel like i don't know who i was before this happened, and it's such a tangible thought. it lets me sleep at ease. no more screaming, no more crying, no more pleas of desperation, i don't have to be alone. i finally, have everything, and to think i had everything before. i am baffled at the thought. you blow me clear out of my own waters. when i thought i could never separate the two, my hate and my love alike. i have finally found someone who sees what i see, the way i see it. believes what i believe, or the lack thereof, content in my own skin, whole in human form. a perfect being made in carnation for no one besides me. i don't know where you came from, what set you aside from all that others, you are so different from anyone i have ever encountered. hate was all you knew, as it was all i had ever known. this is something else, something unreal yet level with reality. parallel, completley.

portland, or.

i never knew such a place even existed, i want to go so bad.