today felt good.

"what the hells gotten into you erica."

and a slight reminder

to any one eye that is searching, exploring, weaving in and out of my daily thoughts. (these words) if you are reading, who ever you may be, and just by chance that you do not know now or already, under all false pretenses and assumptions towards me, of what you or others may already assume, please remember, and know that i always win.

i will always find a way.

it's 4:50 pm

and i've realized there is nothing in this world, worth more to me. there is nothing in this god damn world that will stop me. embrace my happiness and just learn to let it go.

i feel like this world, and all the people around me just want to slow me down, stall me, get in my way. hate, you can stay away from me. i do not long for you anymore, i just want to the sun on my face and the breeze pushing past my lips. submerged in the warm waters. i want the wind wrapped around me.

so they can stuff their mouths full of desperation.

living here, in this town, in this house, on this water. lets me realize that while i am here, i am all i need. no mask today, no mask tomorrow. i'll let the sun beat down on my face and i'll soak it all in and i'll smile. i'll shine, because this was the day that i realized who i was again. who i was and what i am composed of. what i carry on my back, in and my heart, it weighs down on me so much, but it never gets too heavy, because i'm always going to be strong enough. one day i will leave this place and i'll go on to be the best my mother ever saw. not that i live to make anyone proud, but living to prove myself. to prove that i can do this, live my life, wall-less and hopeful for tomorrow, another day- another dollar in my pocket, in my suit case. everyday another mark on my list. another day of survival in a world of wild animals feasting on everything that moves. we're all mannequins here. everyone surrounding me is invisible. walking around like hungry cattle waiting for the day i fall to my knees and crack, so they can stuff their mouths full of desperation, nutrition, choking down every ounce of hate my body sustains. but i don't crack, i don't fall and i won't and you hate it. you all wait to watch me fall, but i never do. and when i do, no one is watching because the seats are all paid up, the sun is gone, you're all asleep and there's a long line outside, and the morning comes,and i stand there in the sun for hours with this look on my face, and you sorry people wait for me to break. to blink an eye in your direction. i will not. i can not. i won't. i don't need anyone else, besides the people i already have. i don't need anymore hate pumping quickly through my veins, bursting at the seems with every swing i take. day three hundred and ten, all heart, day two, mask-less. yes, i am finally free.

and so

i stay.
i'm done hiding.

interpret beauty how ever you wish, but never shall you measure me.
it's such a fucked up world out there.

i'm going to be alright.

lately.

my life circles around lines.
ever day another mark in my book.
another line waiting to make a group of five.

tally mark after tally mark.
three hundred and six of them.
all lined up, perfectly.

three hundred and six tally marks.
and everyone standing for a different reason.

i am surviving.

i can feel it on my skin.

when the sun came out this morning, i did not have to hide. the light coming in the window did not seem to hollow me out like it's done every other morning of my life. it did not burn. i did not close my eyes. i did not let myself rebuild my thin wall, protecting me from this fucked up, so-called, sorry excuse of a shitty world. i sat up and pulled the blankets down over my head, with my hands on my knees clenching it tightly so it won't leave me. i slowed my breathing and when i opened my eyes, i could still feel you. you did not fade this time. i softly said to myself "here goes nothing" and i pushed it off of me. my arms flung open stretched out like i was to be nailed on a cross in shame, (and oh what a sorry god you've got) i slid my feet down to the floor and instead of reaching for my cigarettes, i stumbled around my sea of clothes for my keys. i stood up and looked at the calendar. to my car to add another tally. to my book to mark another day, another day that i have survived, another day that i am breathing, still for only one reason, one hope, the little bit of faith i deny having, but know i do, the tiny spring of faith inside my hands, my eyes, my heart, in everything i do, is for you, still.

fuck you, sunlight.

for waking me up. i had a dream that i can't quite recall at all, and that's so unusual for me, normally they are clear and repetitive. i woke up this morning, with nothing but these few sentences, other than that, my mind drew up blank. and i hate it more than anything. it'll come back to me eventually, they always do, but i want to know now.

"i finally found you, no. you found me."

"i need you to hate me, so i can still find a way to love you, or feel something towards you at least so i can stay alive, IT'S CALLED SURVIVAL, i'm only doing what i have to, to make it to the next day, don't you get it? don't you fucking get it? hate me, so i can save myself."

"overcome. overcome. overcome. you're strong enough."

goddamn you.

i'm worried.

the world will never hear me scream again, because i am stronger now. i am worried that the world will never see what i see, the way i see it. i am a really little girl, with a voice bigger and louder than most would or could ever expect. i have so much to say. so much to do. so much ground to cover. so many people count on me to stay put together so well, as i do. so many people look up to me, for many unknown, undiscovered reasons. maybe it's my sense of freedom? how i can blend or stand out so well when times are convenient? my notion to become invisible in a world where nothing gets past anyone. where nothing is left untouched. i lay on my floor and i prance my fingers around, as if they were little men marching, and i line them all up and then i flick them all over. i am on top of the world.

sometimes, i can be too much.

i wake up and i'm shaking, but not in a scared sense, but it's more uncontrollable than i would of ever imagined. i want to feel you crawling up the back of my neck, loving me. crawling up the back of my neck like my fingers do when i ache for you. i want to ache for you. i close my eyes and you are close, i open them and you fail to fade and i like it. goddammit you're so close i can almost taste you. my head seems scattered and i can't sleep, i haven't even bothered trying to sleep but i know i'll just lay there wide-eyed for hours wishing i was where ever it is you are, wishing i was there for every second of every minute passing for a handful of hours until i give up and climb back to the couch, and set fire to another cigarette, and suck the death right out of it, pushing it down my esophagus and through my lungs and then back out again, repeating until there's nothing left but a collection of filters, taking away my stress one at a fucking time. i can not do this. please come home. being here scares me. i need to be free. i feel like painting but my body is tired. when i get this way, i paint, but i can't. i feel like sleeping but my eyes won't sleep. i feel like waking but it seems i'm already awake. i feel like living and yes, fucking, I AM STILL ALIVE. i don't want this to fade, i don't want you to ever fade. i don't want to become the only person i have ever known. i don't want to be afraid. i don't want to be like her. i want to be the way i am when you enter my head and lose yourself on your way out. you never leave my head. you're always here. i just want to feel this way, everyday for the rest of my life, finally for the first time since my grandfathers death, i am so relaxed, so infinite and so safe. and you can ask yourself the same question i repeat in my head all day long, day in and day out, do you? do you fucking save me? just answer me this, just this one question, are you, are you going to love me?

this morning.

you've some how found a way to make me shine, in a world when all i've ever known are the many grey parts, you've put that feeling back in my veins, pumping and recycling everything but hate back through my heart, in and out of my head. leaking out the tips of my fingers. i want to pull them down your face, a cross your bare cold chest. i long to keep you warm. i want you next to me, and around me, i want to be wrapped up in only you. like i am when i close my eyes, or when i sleep a few hours out of the night. because since the day before you left, you're all i know, all i want to know, all i want to ever know. you're in everything i do, and everything i see, every word i so silently speak. i breathe for you, everything is how it's supposed to be, falling so well into place as planned. i can not begin to fathom, you are the epitome, the root of all of my happiness. i don't ever want another. you've managed to keep me unafraid and safe, inside my head and inside my heart. i am no longer afraid of anything, infinite. you make me feel like i could save this world from deceit, from all the lies and all the bad, you make me feel as if maybe just maybe i could make it all go away, as you do me. you make everything fade. you are so wonderful, so fucking wonderful, don't you ever leave me. i need you.

i don't want

anything you aren't willing to give.
i've put my heart into this, you have everything.

nothing takes my mind away from things

i stand here, in solitude and i stare into a mirror coated in the warmth from the shower, i pull my hand up and i wipe away the thin layer hiding me from everything i hate, i stand here naked, the waters cold now and it's running off of my finger tips, i watch as the tiny rivers and streams roll down my body, following every crease, every curve, disappearing past my breast and down my stomach, pouring down my thighs, down my legs leaving little puddles wrapped tightly around my feet. i look up and i can see my face again, and there she is. she looks just like me, her hair and eyes the same, lady sedna. fuck you, lady sedna do you hear me? FUCK YOU. you do not scare me any more. i am not afraid. i am strong enough now. i will be beautiful again, you'll see. all of you watching, all of you waiting to watch me fall to my knees, you will all see.

NO ONE CAN RELATE TO THIS THE WAY I DO.

"it's so hard to make an effort to keep my surroundings in line. when sometimes, i can't do it for myself. i confess, i'm not the man i proclaim. my feet are sinking into the mire beneath me. and i can't help but notice the endless battle for air. while being swept by the tides of complacency. my knowledge is accountability. and i have to do something. blinded by the plank in my eye. i cannot guide anyone. i have to do something. this lonely vessel is surely sinking. i'm surely sinking. take me, if it means they die to themselves. only to raise up their new lives. stop my heart in its tracks if it will shake them. stop me. we are nothing without each other."

lyrics: SINKING, HUNDREDTH.
photograph by lukas webb.

i want to see things like this, out my window.

relearn to simply be reknown.

i can smell the rain approaching this soil. i can feel the ground under my feet thirst for your waters. rain down from the sky, plant your kisses on my shoulders. pour down on me, saturate me, until i can not hold anymore, become unbearable to me, and then feed me some more. i can smell the rain, getting closer as the clouds shift above me, intrigue me. intriguing every thought that floats through my head. enticing, completely. i can taste it when i breathe. i sit back and i think "i am fortunate to even be visible to the eye. i am fortunate to be seen in a world when all i have done is ruin myself and all of my perpetual surroundings." in a scarce field, you found me. alone and content and happy with no one at my side. i was so willing to spend my life the only way i had ever known, standing strong and standing alone. i was not longing until i heard your name, and now i feel as if i am starving. when i convinced myself i would never let myself need another, i have overcompensated, paying a copper penny for every second i spend thinking, convincing myself again, that i do. i need all of you. i need what surrounds you, surrounding myself. i need to walk the same streets, open the same doors, sleep on the same floors, stare into the same mirrors, feel you breathing down the nape of my neck, wrapped around me, in the same bed. secrets and whispers transmitted between two tangible beating hearts, i want to repeat every beat. saturated, please saturate me, i am at your feet, your disposal. in complete mercy of your every thought, every wish, your hopes and your dreams. engulf me, in everything that you are, composed of you and you alone. let me write this story the only way i know how. let me rewrite everything i have ever known. relearn to simply be reknown. let me trace the words on your lips, leaving your tongue everything but weary and tired. let me put you to sleep with my fingers, let this be the beginning of the greatest story i will ever write. i have always been so distant, scared and hopeless in a world where i know nothing other than the hate i've kept packed thin between each fist. i want to learn to love another properly, to finally know another. i want to know you, completely, inside and out, your heart, your mind, your body. you are going to love me.

get me out of this world

my head, it's spinning.
my eyes and hands, becoming so goddamn tired.

condemened.

he can't hear you slur your desperate words, keep crying to the sky, you ignorant fuck. he won't save you, and you can't save yourself. run to the heaven you've made inside your hollow head, i pity you. i'll watch filth take over you, and if you're a believer, you're condemned to your own hell. god. is. not. real.

ramble.

this blog was deleted, i'm not sorry.

my pores will seep purity

so everybody will ask what became of you, and i'll sit back and ask myself what have i become? and come tomorrow when the world looks me in the eyes, when i set myself free, standing parallel with my heart beating inside your chest, with a look towards the sky, i'll dare you to identify the monster in me, and you'll draw up blank, just like the hundred who've tried before. i look at the world outside my window, the world below my feet and i watch and i listen to it scream, and so it screams, this place wants me to hate. this place wants me to clench up my tiny fist and start swinging all over again, but i step back and i refuse. my thoughts, they don't scatter, and when i send them away to explore the grey parts, they stay, and i'm alright with that. i'm comfortable with them here, because for the first time in a long time, they are far from filth filled. they are pure and spilling over with more freedom and happiness than my tiny body frame can try to sustain, i try and i fail the first time, but i stand to my feet and i succeed the second. this time last year, i was running into the arms of hate, with my chest cut wide open ready to be engulfed, filling every vein with dirt. every vein with something stronger than love, when alone, when you spend your entire life hating, alone. hate. something you can't out do, or over come, or hide. i hated, and i was hated. everything i saw, i wanted gone, or dead. i swung swing after swing with out a desperate care in the world. i was not apathetic, because i despised apathy, and those who carried it on their backs, painted on their faces. i saw nothing. everything translucent. hearts beating hollow and words falling short. i was invisible and i was invincible, and colliding with a heart filled with just as much meant twice the trouble, and here i sit. the day before, ready for the first day of my life. ready to take in every aspect of another, and learn another, and to learn how to love another all over again, set aside from any type of love or affection i have experienced before tomorrow, which is today, and so tonight i sit here. and i think, of how my stomachs going to turn and tie knots and seal off the blood flow, and not let any of my fears or hate escape through my voice box. i'll watch for the reflection in your eyes as everything bad leaves my heart, my mind, my body, with your fingers pulling down my face, my pores will seep purity and my smile will shine with the sun, and i'll throw my arms around you, and know that because of you, i finally know who i am. tomorrow, i'll finally know who i am.

stay here in this sleep forever.

i close my eyes and i can see it all over again, the things that carry on inside my head, they appear so real to me. i lifted my head from your chest, my fingers tucked safely in the nape of your neck, tapping to the sound of your beat. one one two, one one two, one one two. i couldn't see anything besides you. i couldn't hear anything besides you, and we layed there and you wrapped yourself around me, sending me this sense of security, and i knew that even when i woke up, everything was going to be alright. but i didn't wake up, i kept my eyes closed as tight as i could. i didn't want to wake from this. i fell back asleep and i went back to laying next to you, curled up next to you, saturated in you, in your smell, in your taste, in everything you were composed of, i found you. all of this was in my head, but i knew in my heart, it would lead me straight to reality, from inside here, inside my head i am safe. i am beautiful, and when i see what i see when i sleep, when my eyes are open to the world that walks before me. when i wake, i find myself telling myself over and over again, i'll never need another, and i've never meant that more. i don't scream, i don't kick, i don't cry, nothing hurts anymore. you've taken all of the bad away from me, washed all of the dirt from my hands. purity. serinity. i have finally found my heart. i can finally breathe again knowing what i have ahead of me, from this day out, from this minute, down to the very last second, i know what i want. i know what i have and could have until the day the burn my body and throw it in the ocean with the rest, i know what is in my heart, what is in my head, the words i hold deep down inside, tucked safely inside my voice box, i know what sets me free. i know what holds me here, in these state lines, when months ago, i'd give the world to aboard a plane with a one way ticket and never come back here again. i think of the last time i told someone these kinds of things, and i think of how much i thought i meant them, and now i know, i've never meant them more, you have all of me, i want to breathe in what you breathe out, become apart of you, of your everyday, and at the chance that you'd let me, stay here in this sleep forever, stay here, forever with you, next to you. it's on you, i'm never turning my back to this, you will never see me walk away.

everything seems to be falling together, well.

it feels as if a long time ago, with the loss of someone who understood me beyond expectations, i built a world up around myself. i built walls taller than the tallest trees, shielded myself away from the world and all it had to offer. buried deep, hidden behind a mask for years not worth counting, staying solitude, happy with myself knowing not another heart to be worthy of hurting mine, ever again. i stumbled along a shoreline lined with only stars, calm waves that i don't have to fight anymore. found a heart that carried the same weight as mine, and a mind with more than enough to intrigue me. i wrote you a note yesterday, and i know that you can't read it because you are gone, but i put it in a bottle and i sunk it under the water, you're the only one i talk too, even when i know you can't hear me. we spread your ashes around the shore of your favourite place. green island you were the last to know, the greatest man to ever swim these waters. my head kept reading the words i wrote, on repeat. "dear grandfather, i am going to make you proud."

when i thought i took nothing for granted.

this movie, taught me that i did.

it's twisting my side, into knots.

my eyes are blue for you. in my head, i kept repeating "so this is what it feels like, to actually feel beautiful?" i'm fighting the waves to enjoy the ocean. all the waters, they belong to me, engulf yourself, soaked in, sinking in my seas. the land may be yours, i'll spare your feet the time, wrap them in waters warm, and everyone else can stand ashore and watch me, watch us as we flood. taking over everything. i am so saturated, so alive in everything you are made of, so clear. composed of. every molecule, crispy crispy crispy clear, we'll read the words off of their lips. no sounds. no ears. no walls just waves, light coming in from the surface, how it trans lutes your face, shadows creeping atop every crevasse, don't you go up for air, we can breathe down here. stay, i can save you, down here.

i close my eyes and i try and think of where i'd be if i didn't have you where i have you now. i try to pull an image up but i draw up blank and it confuses me, everything is white and i don't know where i'm at, so i push the thought out, and i escape back into my skin. i sit and i wait. my cigarette has already burned down to nothing but ash and i look down as i watch it fall from what's left, shaking between my fingers. i never want to go back there. not back to that place, keep me here. you keep me here. i need you, like i have never needed another before. you hold me still and spin me around all at once and it's like nothing i have ever felt before, and to think, i haven't even felt the slightest touch, i've never tasted you about my lips. you're like a burst of fresh air, clean and recycled back into my lungs. i never want to lose sight of this, finally i can see.

summer's arriving upon approval.

and it's TIME TO GET LOW!

the nobyl days.

i miss my boys.
everything is free.

"...you will never be beautiful again"

you have never been so wrong in your fucking life.

i feel like i've searched the world.

every street, every store, rooms flooded floor to ceiling with books, page after page holding a million words i know i'll never read, written by faces i know i will never see, and so i continue to flip through, flipping through these pages looking for answers and looking for questions, reasons with no excuses and i find nothing and everything all at once. i try to make some sense of this, the things i'm feeling and the things i'm not feeling, and the only one i find myself brave enough to pull out of me, is that everyday that passes i throw my hands up at the sky, i scream at the sun and i let a small proportion of my hate free, everyday. i let it go. escaping from all of my tiny pores, this is me singing for you. i want to be saturated in you, soaked in everything you are, everything you, your heart and your mind are composed of, this is me longing for you, to cop a feel of what happy actually feels like. my mind runs quickly to a blur and pours out a pure image, standing back watching you pull your fingers down my face, not a single shake, not a sudden stir. i do not turn away, i do not quiver at your simple touch. i do not falter. i seize the day, oh how the world will scream "carpe diem, carpe diem, carpe diem!" i paitently wait for it to come, and when it does, my world will never know another. i will never feel another.

the jist of what's in my heart, rather than my head.

never been so sure of something like this. you say my name, like i've never heard it before. the way your words flow off the tip of your tongue, put a knot in my side, that leaves me wanting to be where ever you are. i feel like i don't know who i was before this happened, and it's such a tangible thought. it lets me sleep at ease. no more screaming, no more crying, no more pleas of desperation, i don't have to be alone. i finally, have everything, and to think i had everything before. i am baffled at the thought. you blow me clear out of my own waters. when i thought i could never separate the two, my hate and my love alike. i have finally found someone who sees what i see, the way i see it. believes what i believe, or the lack thereof, content in my own skin, whole in human form. a perfect being made in carnation for no one besides me. i don't know where you came from, what set you aside from all that others, you are so different from anyone i have ever encountered. hate was all you knew, as it was all i had ever known. this is something else, something unreal yet level with reality. parallel, completley.

portland, or.

i never knew such a place even existed, i want to go so bad.

satellite or star? i can not decipher.

"Shining like a work of art
Hanging on a wall of stars
Are you what I think you are?
You're my satellite."

- Guster.

1/2

the slightest touch would set me at ease, and so neglect becomes our ally, my world is never ending. sunshine and cigarettes. freckles on my shoulders. hate packed thin between my fist, love bursting at the seams, pounding with every swing. my hair is still black, my eyes are still blue. what is to come of this? i am only half the mess you think i am. i am only half the mess you take me for. kisses from the sun, peal the skin off my back, it burns as it comes in the window, soothing. i am inevitable. infinite to the thought, this world will watch me rise, it has no other choice. i long to set you free, paint my canvas in the sky. align the stars, in an order only the pure can read. this is what i see.

it's the slightest touch thats always scared me most.

and for the first time, in a really long time.
i. am. not. afraid.

it's anarchy time.

all the time.

asymmetrically aligned.

in such a world, where there are no eyes, where we see nothing. everything seemingly translucent to the slightest thought. you're blessed and built, built not blessed. it's nice to have such keen hearing. short and sharpe, and asymmetrically aligned, not on the sides of my head, not hidden beneath my dark black hair, but buried somewhere deep inside my chest, right next to my heart.

yes, i can hear you breathing.
i can hear you say my name.
and i need you, i need you, so free me.

i close my eyes and i listen, every night when i leave you, and you go and you sleep. i close my eyes and i still hear you. it comforts me, so i sleep. i am not alone.

you're nearly sixty four miles down the road. a road i have seemed to have traveled maybe a hundred- maybe a thousand times. known slick like the back of my hand, i read every line, i watch as they unfold and fold as i take turns clenching my fist, and letting my fingers escape to the sky again. i repeat. they tell me stories. i know these roads so well, so crisp, like the blue in my eyes, like the blues in yours. oceans they call them, "you carry the ocean in your eyes." i could drive with them closed, not missing a slight turn. i know this venture so well. it seems i've been a million times, and never, not once, for the sake of seeing you. that will surely change, with the tiny taste of time.

you're sixty four miles down the road.
and yes, i can hear you breathing.

i place my hand to my chest, and i listen.
i can hear you breathe.

i don't know much of anything these days, i don't know the boundaries of what is and what is not. what is possible and what could be known so easily as a failed attempt, but i attempt anyways. because with walls stronger than myself, my heart rest inside a chest made of bricks and mortar, my heart it beats inside these walls. pure and deceitful, playing tricks on myself. i have to pull myself out and repeat "this is real, he is real, i am not asleep, this is no dream, you have my heart you're tearing down my walls, one by one i release them, i swing and swing and there's nothing left, pieces of rock and brick lay at my feet, it's starting to pile up" i start to scream. there is no sound. no sound barrier to break, nothing to make sense of this. all i know is my heart is pure, untouched and pure. sincerity, sustained. this world is my world now, and i only want to make it ours. i stay here, in a world where anything and everything is possible. here inside my head. get inside my head, and when the first light comes, all i can ask, is that you breathe for me.

crispy crispy.

where are you now?
my arms are sore for you.
i hide my smile for you.
bashful, they'll call me.
bashful, without you.
you make me.
my bed is warm for you.
my heart it aches for you.
come near.
a little closer, receive me.
my mind is whispering things to you.
things you've never heard before.
my eyes want to show you.
things you've never seen before.

11:11pm.
11:11pm.

an imagination so clear like the one i carry, is astonishing.
it's like being in love for the first time.

lately:

there is no canvas bigger

i turn around and fling open both doors, i search and search for paints, rummaging through my cabinet, stacked four high, on the back wall of my mothers art studio. clouds cover the sky, in acrylic. my eyes and hands seem confused and have lost all motivation and direction, all notion of what i want to create, like i could create what's in my head, if only it was that easy, i would be astonished. i can't seem to pick out the colours, i can't seem to find the right colours that my heart aches for, i'm baffled. slightly. i wish i could cram my hands inside my head, through my ears or something, and let the world see what i see. let my ear drums ring, let them hear what i hear. feel what i feel, i long to set you free. oh world, why can't i just set you free? i can't picture it any other way, as if someone ripped open my stomach, belly up, laying on a table, spread out, unable to move. paralyzed with some sort of freedom, setting my tiny organs at ease. my heart beats at a rather unusual pace, than it did before. than it ever has before. i'd spread my arms open, i let you take everything, from the inside out. remove my organs, hold my heart in your hand. you'd think i'd bleed to death, no. colours flowing through my veins, a mixture of blues and greens, yellow pastels and black inks, i take my hands into my chest, pull them out again, wipe them a cross the canvas, let my fingers tell you what i'm made of, because this is what i'm made of and this is all i am. take what you will, do as you wish, i am motionless. solitaire. lost in solitude. my hate and love don't blend the same. the colours aren't similar, or the lack thereof, their indifference. the shades, they pull away like two magnets. they push and pull but never touch, with out flipping to the other side. "always watch your back darling, for when it turns away, it's what they say then that matters." they are not the same. for the first time in a long time, my hate and love are not the same. separated by the reddest of reds, love like the colour of the sky, and hate the colour of the dirt traveling swiftly under my feet. we are all the same, no? we are all so different.

it's been almost four summers since....

i first learned what love was. it's crazy how much people can change. how we don't even look like who we were then.

bewilderment, or the lack thereof.

i sat in bewilderment, as i slurred my life story or the parts of what i had conjured up of it, arranged into words, to try and make some sort of sense, to try and get it down on paper, a record of who i was then and who i am now, the indifference between what was and what still is. what i took and what i left behind. i had lost myself "withdrawn from my own reality" i want another to interpret beauty they way i see it. to see the things i see, how i see them. to understand with out any slight confusion why i am the way i am, how my head works as it does. clever trick blend in, repeating the same metaphors because it's all i can find to spell it out for you correctly, or incorrectly, which ever way you choose to take it. i climbed on top of the mountain i built so tediously inside my head. i had to summit that mountain,and so i did, like i built in on my own, my own foundation, to my own little never ending world. i found a place where i was okay, a place of sheer comfort and solitude. still no matter how many times i ventured back to those woods, where the trees were tall and the grass was green, every return, everything untouched the way i left it. i was still so alone, and up until now being alone was perfectly alright with me. i was okay. and out of the blue, i yearn to be next to you, because i feel you'd find a sense of security next to me, inside my head. some sort of unexplainable comfort leading to the point of discomfort, completely dumbfounded, baffled, safe inside my chest, beating inside my heart. in sync with that tiny organ as it pumped the blood right through my worried veins. it was so inviting. so enticing. something so new. you'd trace the tree roots with your fingers watching them dive in and out of the ground, coming up for air and resurfacing to let you catch a glimpse of what reality did or did not appear to be, here in this world. here inside of my head. i find myself going there more often than i swim to other places, here and there and up the hill, down the trail to the cool waters. they were so clear and so blue. and so i swam. i dipped my tongue in for a taste of what i would imagine to sting like purity, sincerity. utopia they call this, complete nirvana. but it was dual and stale and that was alright, in my world nothing was to feel too sharp. pungent. here in my world, i made sure, nothing hurt. here is where i could remove my mask and never fear fear. i was not afraid. i am not afraid. the sun shoots it's arms through the leaves and it reaches my shoulders leaving kisses made of sweat, on my body, where it has never been kissed so soft before. the slightest touch, would make me shake. i'd turn the other cheek and walk away, into the dark and back beneathe the trees, into the shadows where the sun couldn't scare me. where my eyes didn't burn. i lay in the grass as an open book, come to me and read me, my words composed of mistakes and wrong direction. your eyes are so intriguing. i welcome you with open arms, get inside my head, get inside my head. i scream your name and you don't answer. hello ears are you listening? hello heart do you hear me? i wish to feel you, your fingers on my face, i am astonished. where did you come from? lurking up on me, and scaring the life back into me, to the point of feeling more alive than i've ever felt any day, or second before. i feel alive again. i feel compelled to say i need you, in so many different ways. listen to me talk about you, and how you so easily set everything i question at ease, sleep in peace you suble letters, marked return to sender. i need not your anwers, i have found mine here. a linger. a stoe away, i am free.

such an indistinguishable mess.

my world is never ending.

art bar, columbia sc.

this made me laugh.

this is not about you.

i am so indifferent. i am so intrigued.
if only the wind could move this soil.

enough is never enough.

false. misleading. my heart is an empty hole. i walk. leaves crumble. ants back in their home. the rain is coming. i can smell it on you. climb to the top of the trees. hear me say my name. ears listen. lights burn. fire dies. we live again. subtle. mermaid. swimming. sinking. heavy hearted. delighted. enlightened. calm. fight the waves. enjoy the ocean. you are like home to me. your bed. my motion. i know nothing of the sort. you are like home to me. no attachment. no mistakes. questions. no answers. endured. nicotine. adrenaline. happiness. religion is slavery. this is slavery. i am stuck. lady belial. lady senda. who am i? where is my heart? what am i? human. girl. afraid. glory filled. victory is flawless. enough will never be enough. it grows. everyday. the same. you and i, the same. i love you. always. it's always the same. sushi, my kitten. knows no hate. these tiny fist, forever open. not the girl i was, not the girl i used to be. we are no one and everyone all the same. i need to hear you. this is killing me. oh great receiver. receive me. i fear you. you fear me. not afraid. we are the same. i breathe you. you breathe me. i'm coming home. eggs for breakfast. no more meat. i have changed. i am changing. we are changing. i want to free the world. i want to show you what i see. be my rushmore. dear erica, free yourself. dear friend, dear reader, none of this is true. everything is free.

come close, lady belial.

and this is what she looks like, the girl who fell in love with you
that sweet summer, i surrendered. i do not look like this anymore.

do i gather my thoughts and take them to bed? or do i sit with my feet digging into each other with my hands gripping both sides of my face? do i let out what i can't make sense of? do i sit here and cry until i can't cry anymore? because i know you got the best of me? or do i stand up and say, i can't do this, and that i won't. i know i won't but i can't help but to let myself wander, my thoughts race back and become clear again. i pull my hands from my head. or do i stand up and say you can't get to me again, as it seems you never did before. i will not falter. i will not stand for this. i need the sun on my shoulders. i need it's warmth back in my veins. i need to breathe it in. i need to breathe for myself and not anyone else. i will not bow to your feet, i will not let you grab a hold of me like you have so many times before. lately i've been baffled. i've ran into more hearts than i thought possible, none of them are as cold as yours was. none of them could hurt like yours did, and still i deny them. you hurt me, seems you've ruined me, and the rest of the world won't get to enjoy that part of me that i let you see. you saw things the way i saw them, you saw things the way i saw them. you saw right through me. i was translucent to your eyes. invisible to the rest. i know apart of my heart will always scream your name, but i've found a way to silence the voice in my head that skips on repeat day in and day out. i still shake to the sound of your name. i'm still afraid and the only difference is, this time i know why. i won't let them take me, the demons in my head. the angels i make up thinking i am finally saved, i am finally free. they finally let me go. i know that god does not exist, but i still sit and listen to the trees speak, i'm losing control. the leaves rustle around and i remember standing at the top of these trees for the first time and screaming my name and reminding any ears that may be listening, that this is my world. this is home. just as you did on that mountain. but you will not take me. i will not falter. the trees listen to me and the ants carry a little bit of me away each time they crawl across my feet and hide away into the cold ground. into their tiny homes. i can smell the rain coming, i whisper for them to hurry, to scurry away and hide like i wish i could, but know i can't. i can't hide from the world because you hurt me. i can't hide away like i want too. i don't have a sea of blankets or the sound of your banjo in my ear. neither i yearn for, neither i need, but still i can't get the sound of stinging bees out of my head. i pull my hands away from the branches and i push the leaves out of my face and i peer down into the water and i search for my reflection but i fail and i find nothing. just the glare of the sun bouncing around and shifting directions. i summited this tree like i carved every branch my own, like a piece of my memory, fit together. keys locked. i could shimmy up it with my eyes closed and not miss a single limb. like so when i ran my fingers across your shoulders, never missing a single freckle. i know i'm stronger than this, please don't remind me. i guess just the thought of you reminds me, i am capable of love. i am capable of loving another with everything i have, and it's you who couldn't love me back, properly. it's you who ran, it's you who so swiftly walked away. silent. silence. then repeat. oh lady belial when will you come back home? i wish i carried your hate still, tucked safely between my fist so i could shake this off, like i shook you off so many times before. lady sedna isn't strong enough, belial, i need you close, keep him away from me. intoxicating. i can't turn away. breathe your hate into me, help me push him farther than i ever have before. i will not fall to my knees. i will not be deceived. you were born a liar, and you'll die a liar. show me what he made me. you can not love a love like this. it makes me so sick, it makes me so sad, yeah your mother raised such a sorry man.

of course we've all seen her.

but where has she gone? am i not strong enough anymore to control my anger? to control my temper. i walk into a house full of people i know, i walk in and make direct eye contact with every beating heart in the room except yours and i watch as bewilderment dawns a crossed your face, just as i'm sure it was already written all over mine. i did not want to be here. not in this house, not this day, not now. i pushed past the few drunk people i knew, and ran right into the kitchen, i leaned against the counter and buried my face in my hands. my bag laid on the floor all spread out in the other room. i needed my cigarettes, i thought about walking into the other room, not saying a word and just getting them and getting out, but my body didn't move. i stayed there. for some reason, i didn't feel like myself, uncomfortable in the skin i was falsely advertising, so clever and so well. i hardly said a word, and when i caught a smile, i sent one back. hiding under my mask. i felt like i had so much on my shoulders. i couldn't come down to earth, i could get my head away from the stars. Lady Sedna, i call her. she's not a pretty girl, her heart is cold and she doesn't care. i walked in there, surrounded by people i love and would die for, and i walked from room to room, with out a care in the world. everything everyone said, in one ear and out the other. i was so solitaire. i felt like the monster i used to be, maybe that's why i wasn't afraid? she came and took the fear i was caring and she shifted my thoughts to ignorance and invincibility. i felt on top of the world, educed with power, i kept my fist clenched to my side, ready for whatever the world could throw at me. but it seemed the minute i stepped out onto that porch, i could feel myself settle back into who i was. i could feel her go away, and i was alone all over again "you're never alone erica, i'll always be waiting here. your walls are not strong enough anymore" and you guys always ask what are my walls any good for? what are my fucking walls any good for? WHAT ARE MY FUCKING WALLS ANY GOOD FOR? oh sweet indifference and ignorance, tasteful to my lips. got to keep them away. tolerance and belligerence, free from my filth invested veins, keep on flowing. release and recycled, inhaled and exhaled, smoke filters my lungs. "get out. get out. get out. get out, i don't need you anymore." oh sweet omnipotent one, where are you? will you deceive me? you are nowhere, you do not exist, get out of my head. you sassy bastard, the liar of all the lies. you will never take me, i'd rather stand alone.

such a beautiful boy, taken from such an ugly world.

david chung, my friend. i miss you, and i'm going to continue missing you, i missed you before you were gone, and now i miss you even more. this is so hard on me, on all of us, you're gone. you're actually gone? this is so unreal, i just spoke to you, four days ago, and now you're gone. you were so much like a little brother to me, you were such a happy kid, and you never let anyone down, ever. always brought a smile to everyones face, as one always dawned acrossed yours. such a kind soul, and such a big heart, you kept everyone one on their toes, i can't think of a time when you weren't happy, when you weren't making everyone around you happy. i've never seen anyone light up a room like you do. such a beautiful boy, taken from such an ugly world. it's such a fucked up place out there. someone should have known. i can't believe this still, you're funerals tomorrow. there's going to be so many people, you touched so many hearts and it's unbelieveable. i miss you, i miss you so much. i want to go ice skating right now, right now like we were supposed too. i teach you and you teach me. i remember the first time i met you, you were so cute and so young and you were running around and mackin' on all the ladies, i included, haha, i miss you, i wish i could find a way to bring you back but i know i can't. all i can do is keep what i know, the memories i have and hold them close to my heart. i love you david chung, jackie chan, you were truly one of a kind. i'm never going to forget you, never going to forget your smile, you're always in my heart. i promise kid. sleep in peace.

finally some people who make some sense.

laura, maddie, brett.

laura, and i.

laura, myself, maddie.

laura and i.

nicotine enduced.

"what...?!"
"sorry, i can't look at you?"
"...what do you see?"
"you're scared, but you do care."
"i'm fucking terrified."

as if i were a time bomb, i stood in the middle of the street, noone here cares if you go or if you stay. i watched the faces move as if they were some sort of cattle, lining up to walk into a bed of rusty nails. smiles dawned a crossed faces for as far as my eyes could reach. everyone belligerent of what was present. what was going on around them, so clueless, so ignorant, bliss kissed, deprived. i watched you linger near, your face read nothing short of emptiness. it was slowly draining me. you kept fading into the crowd, all i could see was the back of your head walking away from myself and everyone else standing near. i was watching you the entire night. i almost followed you, but i was hesitant. and then you'd wander back and i could feel you, like warm breath on my neck. locking eyes a hundred feet away, turning the other cheek, avoiding all possiblities. taking it all in, i couldn't bother anyone else with my worries, i turned and walked away. for a few seconds i was the girl i used to be, and seconds later, i became the girl i was meant to become. twenty years later. get out of my head, stop. walls. walls walls. headache. i left with my friends on each arm, sending short breaths of laughter towards the dark starless sky. i was lost. i didn't know where i was drawing the line, and i couldnt fathom which side to stand on. i couldn't hold back that i cared, as much as i was trying to fight it, to scare it away, to blend in, to blurr. i failed. i failed everyone but myself, damn you, fucking damn you and your sweet kisses. seems as if we drove for hours, catching every red light. you can't see the stars out there, in that city, not like you can here, i missed you so much. i'm home now, alone in this room. ciggarettes burning. nicotine, enduced. where are you heart? are you in there? wake up. wake up. wake up and next to you i did.

but we all wake up, in the morning.

i keep my eyes closed. i'm thinking i'm still asleep, but we all wake up in the morning. we all wake up and start all over, again. everyday, the same as the last and the next to follow, the same. i pound on the keys and they drain every bit of energy my body still sustains. i'm losing my mind and control, and it doesn't hurt anymore. my body is numb to nicotine, and my eyes are tired from lack of sleep. i continue on. what i want and what i have seem to blur together and gather and come back to me as nothing. i draw up blank. what is in my heart? why is it so hard to find the courage to embrace what's in front of me? oh great reciver, please recive me. the roots of the trees climb in and out of the groud, coming up for short breaths every few feet. racing away from me. i follow them with my fingers. i need you like the leaves need the branches and the branches need the trees, like the waves starve for the sweet summer breeze, anorexia nervousa all over again. another ciggarette. more keys. more words that make no sense, running into each other, bouncing off the walls inside my head, breaking the barriers, cutting the teathers, i'm coming home.

against.

tonight:

i was free.

my coffees cold but that's alright.

i bring my hand back to my head and push my hair to the other side, i close my eyes and i breathe in. my coffees cold but that's alright, it's still sweet to my tongue, and it's mellow taste sends shivers down my spine, crawling and counting my ribs as it works it's way down to my toes. i curl them under, my joints crack and the sound is everything but soothing. i can hear you breathing, laying next to me, i slow my lungs down and i tap mine in sync with yours. steady pace, inhale and then exhale, we are one. nicotine isn't taking away my stress, like it has so many days before, and the sound of your voice, telling me to fall back asleep isn't making my heart sink like i'm so used to it doing, but still it's appealing and it starts to calm my eyes like it never has, and in due time i can only feel myself next to you, asleep on my stomach with your limbs falling - settling over me, melting and blending into me, like we were one colour, and we were, as we were. i butt out my cigarette and roll over to you, pushing your legs and your arms back on your side, floating in a sea of sheets and feather downs, i fell into you, and i let my kisses land on your bare shoulders, like little planes meeting with land for the first time in hours, the comfort knowing you've landed safely, i've been on a thousands planes, and i've never landed this safe before, but i'm landed, and i'm sinking all at the same time, and it's overwhelming and i like it, i never want to fly again. i never want to set foot off of these grounds, out of these waters, anywhere away from you, i never want to be. your eyes are closed, but you're awake, you're a horrible actor and that's okay. you smell of sweat, it's warm in here, it's appealing and i breathe you in for the first and the last time. the suns coming in the window, morning has arrived. don't get up and leave me, don't you stop pretending like you're asleep. don't you wake up, i don't want to wake from this dream. i fall back into my pillow, close my eyes and i'm in a field of green, laying with my head faced towards the sky, it's blue like my eyes. you told me once, you whispered it into my ear, and the words faded slowly to my heart, "your eyes are like the ocean, i'd fight the waves just to swim one time." i throw my arm over you, you're body is warm and the touch of me, makes you shift positions and i let out a little laugh, i didn't mean to stop your act, i didn't mean to wake you, you hush me with a kiss to my forehead, a smile dawns a crossed my face, i bury it in your chest, i never want to wake up from this.


because everyone's felt this way before, and because it's the only thing i know of you at the moment, i've never known a heart like yours.

the house this hangs in,

i wish i could paint something that was more realistic, maybe that's why i think the way i do sometimes? i'm not so sure? it's confusing. my mother can pick up a brush and put it to a canvas and paint something real, things people see with their eyes everyday, and here i am, stuck painting things that don't make sense to me. maybe what stays jumbled in my head, all the jargon i can't collect or make sense of. i read once, "we paint what we see." but i don't see these things? never in my life. maybe in retaliation, i paint what i feel? i hardly ever lose flow, and when i do, i paint it grey, let it dry and start over. i get annoyed with a brush, throw it down and use my fingers because they seem to define things alot easier, better than any paint brush could ever please me. i don't know what i'm getting at really. this painting is all i can think about lately, and when i was at the house it now hangs in, i miss the warmth of that family, and how they so easily wrapped their arms around me and welcomed me through the door, right behind their beautiful creation of a son. so many smiles, and so many things to be thankful for, spent thanksgiving with people i've never met before, and they were so quick to enjoy my prescence. it's next to him that i lose all my hate, next to him that i feel compelled to do good things. next to him that i can count being, more than any other person i've known. watching him sleep on my couch the night before, still in his uniform, feet crossed still laced up in his boots, not a single sound. it's driving 15 minutes away anxious as all get out, picking him up from the bus station to bring him home the next day. sneaking out side to smoke a ciggarette sitting on the back of your fathers truck bed, just talking. running around in the yard with a hackie sack like i was 12 again. i wish being happy, was easier, and convincing you to let me show you what i see, seems just as hard. i can't get you out of my head.