ATTN FOLLOWERS; NEW BLOG.

if you want to keep up, please add this blog instead. this blog will be terminated morning of September 20th.

http://truthneversleeps.blogspot.com/

so if you follow this one, follow the new one. or don't it's up to you.

-ejh.

not okay; part two.

flashback;

it's so obvious, and i hate it. it's so goddamn obvious that i'm not okay, and i'm not going to be okay, when i wish i was. something still feels like it's missing. for some reason; the sound of your voice, lacking interest in anything i have to say, it scares me- and even when aware, i call anyways just to hear you say my name, because a part of me feels like i need it. just to hear you, just to hear the change in your voice. it causes some sort of disappointment that so easily changes my mood for the rest of the evening.

i find myself feeling empty, as i hollow myself out with every passing minute.
i find myself aching.
i find myself hurting and crying and only wishing to make you happy.

the happiest, what i wouldn't give.
i'd give you everything if i could, i know i would, but i can't- can i?

i find myself curling up and clenching my fist until my knuckles are white- squinting my eyes and as i hold on to my insides as they try so hard to find their way out. searching for some sort of escape route, but failing and finding nothing. so i keep them tucked inside of me, all of my love and all of my hate, i store it away- save it for the rain.

i feel so foolish, to be this attached.
to still be this attached.

(some of these words might be off, but this song was written by a friend, for me. and it is all i've been listening too lately, this song on repeat.)

"you finally lost sight of what you're fighting for tonight...and you made your step to fill this empty dream in your head, keep breathing to know you're alive...but forget your freedom mind, finding this is hard to believe you can carry on, but you're but you're you're not okay, yes you're not okay, and you're not okay, dreams have come this far...i hope that one day, you'll find out what it's like, through my eyes- like the first sign of spring, this world is never changing, don't be left behind, all your best words will be used against you, but you hide so well, but no one will ever find you and no one will ever know your heart, but you're not okay, and you're not okay, and you're not okay....dreams have come this far....your shaking up just to be heard, but these words are your desires, tell me your place on this world, it will- with given time, but you're not okay, yes you're not okay, and you're not okay....dreams have come this far."

i can't get you out of my head

you feel like home to me.
listen to the wind, i hope you can find me in the trees.

well on my way to freedom

really soon, i'll be able to wake up and say "everything is alright, everything is finally okay." i can't help but wake up and smile, this sense of happiness has dawned down over me, and everything feels like it might be falling into place, finally- for good.

i'm going to be free.
i'm going to be free.

it's 8:42pm

8:42 pm, where has the sun gone?

i look outside hoping to still find the sun trying its damnedest to push all hundred of it's little infinite fingers down from the sky, reaching through the clouds and settling down on my bare well crafted shoulders. hoping to get a few last kisses in, before it went back into hiding just like it does every night, just as the night before this one and so on and so on, and sometimes in this same situation except it's vise versa, saying goodbye to the moon and hello as i watch the sun creep up over the trees, crawling across the calm water.

untouched.

but not tonight, tonight i'm saying goodbye to the sun, and hello to the dark that i find myself, even when afraid of- so abundant with fear, i still- wandering into, more often lately than usual.

i sit on the steps of my deck, and take in my dose of nicotine, it calms my breathing.

everything is now dark and the only thing illuminating me is the light that i can so easily control with a little switch, attached at the top of the wall to my left. i watch millions of wings swarm the light, looking for warmth as the cold sets in for the night, winter is approaching, and even though the days are scorching, the nights are growing cooler, and i like it.

i stand to my feet and open the door, reach in with my right hand and push down on the switch, as if instead of me turning the porch light off, i was turning the star lights on.

i turned around and faced the sky, and watched as thousands of lights became clearer to my eyes. i watched them cover every bit of the dark speckled sky that my eyes could see, they spread so quickly. and i just stood there in complete bewilderment.

tonight i controlled the stars. tonight the stars were mine. and since they are now mine, i want to give them all to you.

i wonder if there are just as many stars there, as there are here?
i wonder where you are, what you are doing, what your beautiful eyes are seeing, what that mind of yours is thinking?

where are you? i almost wish you could come to me.
where are you heart? can you hear me?

i toss them into the unfaltering winds

in heavy hopes that they find their way to you.

lately:

memories, they crash like waves.

the sun will be up soon, and i'll be waking to another day, and just like the last- with the sun- you will fade.

today, i was free.

how far are you willing to go?

to feel?
to fall?
to forget?
to fade?

you tell me that you see everything.

i close my eyes and i try to sleep, i want to sleep so i sleep. i can see you standing over there, i can't see your face, but i know you can feel me approaching, i know you know i'm here. i just have just one question for you, my love. you see everything? do you see me fighting? DO YOU SEE ME FIGHTING? struggling, do you see me living everyday, SURVIVING? just to hold on too every part of the girl i once was? fighting back as this sleep tries to dawn on me when the sun leaves the sky? do you see me watching just as you are? TRUTH NEVER SLEEPS, does it? do you see me loving? you only see what i want you to see. i let you see things, so i can locate you. so i can find you. you fade into this world and you hide so well from me. you bury yourself, you bury the parts of me you still carry everywhere. you can't hide them from everyone, they can all still see it. and i can still pull you out of hiding when i wish. when i need you to resurface. we pull and push and pull and push some more. that's all we ever do. witty words to one another that only we know the meaning of. i try to decipher your happiness with out me, and i draw up so blank. i know what happy looks like, and it's not her. not in your eyes. you can pretend, you can hide, you can be a coward if you wish, but no one will ever love you like i have, no one will ever know you like i do. and i do, i know you all way too well. you can't hide forever, ho my sweet darlin' i'll be seeing you.

and then i woke up, and it was gone again, just like it always is.
these words repeat in my head day in and day out.

what is to become of this, and more importantly what is to become of myself?

not okay.

thank you, really.

hiding here, where it's safe.

i woke with a very distinguished taste.